Royales With Cheese

Sea-addled

2010-07-07T22:29:00.007-06:00

Boy, the Mariners sure do suck, don't they?

It's too bad the Royals can't play them every series. Then again, it hasn't mattered who they've taken on the last couple weeks (unless it's a nationally televised game; of course they had to suck when people were actually watching).

Even with the minor hiccup of the ESPN game, the Royals have been one of the best teams in baseball lately. Timely hitting, good pitching (especially the bullpen, it's amazing how much better our relief corps does when Hillman isn't the one making the calls down there), and taking advantage of the other teams' mistakes, rather than the other way around.

I've been enjoying the games a lot more, feeling more optimistic, and as a result, the posting has really suffered. It's not that there aren't things I haven't thought about mocking.

For instance, I had a grand post set up where I argued that Frank White is basically the live-action version of Dr. Julius Hibbert.

It's not that I don't like him as an announcer (nobody does a better job of telling viewers whether the current moon phase is a waxing or waning gibbous), but his weird habit of filling dead air with giggling gets a little old. Though sometimes it becomes awesomely inappropriate, too. I won't attempt to re-create that post now because I'm extremely lazy.

Anywho, just thought I'd check in with the obligatory sweep post.

Which reminds me...

That's right, the Royals have swept Tony Pena, Jr.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

Starawful

2010-06-10T15:51:00.011-06:00

The Royals have been making a ridiculous push to get Billy Butler in the All-Star Game. They gave discounts at their team store for people that voted 100 times for Butler. They created "Vote For Billy" T-Shirts that weirdly feature a penis shooting through the "o" in "Vote." No, I don't have an image to back that claim up, but trust me, there's a dick on that shirt. Billy even came out to the media last week and said it was frustrating that playing in KC was keeping him from getting an All-Star appearance.

I don't blame the Royals for promoting one of their best players or for trying to make some money with their dick shirts.

Alright, you got me, I'll go ahead and post the shirt. I mean, for copyright reasons, I can't post the actual shirt. But this is pretty accurate.

Cover your eyes if you're sensitive.

Anyway, I don't blame the Royals for attempting to market somebody other than Greinke for once this year.

As for Billy's complaints about not getting any votes, I think it's a little ridiculous. He's been better than front-runner Mark Texiera this year, but he's not the best first baseman in the AL. He's not even the best first baseman in the AL Central. He's a really good player, but I understand why he won't be an All-Star this year. I can see him having a legitimate shot next year, but not now.

What's really funny is that the MLB site has campaign pages for all the players on the ballot, no matter how shitty, injured, or in the case of Ken Griffey, Jr., retired they are.

This means hilarious pictures like the following:

Wait a second... that last one is South Carolina's surprise Democratic-Senate-Primary-winner-and-soon-to-be-convicted-on-felony-porn-charges Alvin C. Greene!

And he's eligible at first base?

That seals it.

Billy Butler really has no chance this year.

Go Royals! 126-36! You're the Best!

What did one Indians Groundskeeper say to the other Indians Groundskeeper?

2010-05-20T15:34:00.003-06:00

Five and two since the managerial change!

A sweep!

We'll ignore the fact that the Royals were playing two of the worst teams in the league. And we'll also ignore the fact that the sweep was only a two-game series.

Who cares?

Just bask in the wins.

Bask in the sudden competence of this team.

The Royals are out of last place.

And Trey Hillman isn't around to get a contract extension for the good week.

Thank God.

Go Royals! 137-25! You're the Best!

Better Know a Manager: Ned Yost

2010-05-14T15:31:00.001-06:00

Welcome to the first installment of another series I will probably never continue after this initial post. That's right, Better Know A Manager!

First up, former Milwaukee Brewers skipper and current Royals Manager Ned Yost. He's a former catcher, playing six years in the majors for various clubs. He became acquainted with Dayton Moore during the 1990s when both worked for the Atlanta Braves. In 2003, Yost was given the opportunity to manage the moribund Brewers. Give or take a good year or two, Milwaukee had been near the bottom of the league since the mid-late 1980s (sound familiar?).
Yost completely changed the culture of the team, turning it into the post-season contender that we've seen for the last several years. Yost's exit from Milwaukee wasn't as illustrious as Hillman's from KC; in the midst of the 2008 playoff race, Yost was given his papers. The team went to the playoffs for the first time in over twenty-five years (sound familiar?), but without him.

Whether he will continue to be KC's manager next year may depend largely on how the the team performs over the remaining three-fourths of the season.
Alright, now that the background info is out of the way, let's have some fun. Let's get to know Ned Yost through a sampling of photos from his personal MySpace page.

See Ned:

See Ned taking multiple pictures of himself in the mirror:

See Ned drink a beer and smoke a cigarette:

See Ned smoke a hookah:

See Ned play the evil T-1000 in the 1992 film Terminator 2: Judgment Day:

And finally:

See Ned drunk, nude and passed out on the toilet.

Wow.

Who knew I had so much in common with a big league manager?

I almost always write this blog while drunk and nude on the toilet.

Royales with Cheese + Ned Yost = BFF!

Go Royals! You're the Yost!

Hillman's Reign of Terror is Over

2010-05-13T15:23:00.003-06:00

Well that was quick. A couple of days after Moore told the media that Trey Hillman was the right man for the right job at the right time, he told Hillman to his face that he wasn't.

You know how pissed off I was in the post a couple of days ago? I feel the opposite. Some optimism has been restored. I know it's foolish to think we're contenders now (we aren't) but we're on the track back to respectability.

Royales with Cheese welcomes Ned Yost as the new manager of the Kansas City Royals. He's had some success as a manager in MLB, helping to make the Brewers relevant again. Here's hoping he can do the same for KC.

Go Royals! 139-23! You're the Best!

Hillman talks, Bullshit walks

2010-05-11T13:36:00.006-06:00

“If you had told me at this point that we’d be 10 games under .500, I never would have believed it.” -- Trey Hillman

Hmm.

Dear Royals fans, are you surprised? Do you find this shocking? Can you come to grips with the fact that this is happening? The Royals are in last place? Not just ten games under .500, but also ten games off the leader in the division? Can you believe it? Can you? If you can't, I have some real estate you might be interested in. Larry Gura's house is still on the market. Hillman is an idiot if he thought this team wasn't capable of this record at this point.

Even more troubling:

“If you put a gun to my head and said point to one thing why you’re 10 games under .500-- we’re walking too many guys. That’s the bottom line.” -- Trey Hillman

The Royals pitchers are averaging over four walks a game, yes, but that isn't the one thing that points to why the Royals are ten games under .500. Hillman needs to get his head out of his ass and stop distilling this organization's issues down to one problem. The walks are certainly a problem, but it's one of many, many, many problems. And fixing the walks will not turn the season around.

A very partial list of other things that need fixed just as much as walks:

Hitting with Runners in Scoring Position. Getting the starters' ERA under 5.00. Getting the bullpen's ERA under 5.00. Getting some runs on days when Greinke is pitching. Noticing when opposing players fail to tag up on a fly-out that could end the inning. Not dropping pop-ups. Not letting Gil Meche throw 128 pitches in a game when that's the sort of thing that has obliterated his pitching arm multiple times in his career. Not using Willie Bloomquist as a pinch hitter. Not losing half your games by one run.

Let's go back to that quote, because I think we can use it to figure out the true bottom line.

“If you put a gun to my head and said point to one thing why you’re 10 games under .500-- we’re walking too many guys. That’s the bottom line.” -- Trey Hillman

Alright, I think I've got it.

He says, "If you put a gun to my head," but nobody is doing that. Nobody has ever done that. He's had no pressure on him to do anything for three years. There's an owner in Arkansas who could care less and there's a GM who is more concerned with populating the team with ex-Mariners than winning. Despite being one of the worst franchises in all of professional sports, no Royal personnel in a position of authority has been held accountable for anything the last two decades. Sure they want to be good. They want to win. But have they felt pressure to do so? Any heat? The Royals' laid-back attitude toward success is the bottom line, not the walks. The lack of fire, the lack of ambition, the lack of caring covers all of those things I mentioned above. They say they want to win. They say they want to compete, but they seem pretty damn content to just tread water. You don't just fall ass-backwards into success. You have to work your ass off to get it. And I don't think there are enough people in this organization that understand that concept.

You want some proof? Let's see what the boss man has to say:

"I think Trey's done a terrific job. We all are evaluated and he evaluates himself harder than anybody else." --Dayton Moore

Who cares if he gives himself a C or a D on his phony-baloney internal report card? He gets to keep his job. He gets to keep being a major league manager because his boss thinks he's "terrific."

Here's Hillman's final take on this season:

"Things will fall into place." -- Trey Hillman

Right. You gotta love optimism bred through failure. A belief in success due to inaction.

Things will come to a head over these next two weeks. The Royals get to play teams just as bad as them: the Indians, White Sox, and Orioles. Here's where things will get interesting.

Will they feast on these teams, get themselves out of last in the division, and provide Dayton Moore, Trey Hillman, and the Royals fanbase with more stupid false hope, delaying the firing of Hillman or any moves that could actually make the team better?

OR

Will they continue to suck? Prove they just aren't that good by losing to some truly terrible teams? Fall even deeper into disrepair? Get Hillman's ass on the chopping block?

Does it even matter?

Being a Royals fan is like being a Nihilist. Each game is more meaningless than the last.

Even the good times are drenched in ennui.

Go Royals! 141-21! You're the Best!

Larry the Gura Guy

2010-04-08T12:08:00.014-06:00

I have some good news, my friends. I just got an e-mail from none other than former Royal Larry Gura offering me a fantastic deal!

Here is the e-mail, in full (though feel free to skim it, as Larry is no poet):

From: [turaluragura@royals-hof.net]
To: [royaleswithcheese@gmail.com]
Subject: Important OFFER
Date: Thu, 8 Apr 2010 08:35:36 +0100
REQUEST FOR URGENT BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP

Dear Chees Royales,

First, I must solicit your strictest confidence in this
transaction; this is by virtue of its nature as being
utterly confidential and top secret. I am MR. LARRY GURA,
member of the Kansas Royals hall of baseball fame. I have
decided to contact you about a business transaction that
will be very benifical to both of us at the final end of
the transaction's completion. I am charged with the duties
of implementation, execution and monitoring of all Royals
hall of baseball related projects in the country. I came
to know of your name and in my search for a reliable and
low-key, trust worth person to handle a very confidential
transaction based on unflinching trust and comittment, as
we have not met before. This transaction involves the
transfer of huge sum of foreign exchange (United States
Dollars) to a real estate account. Your person is reccommend to me as viable and capable champion of magnitude in business. In the 2008 financial year, the Local Business of Kansas Royal, United States, allocated the sum of US$487 million to my account as budgetary allocation. Within the year thousands of MR. LARRY GURA bobblehead figurines were manufactured as stadium memorabilia and all these memorabilia were duly paid for. But in all we were not able to exhaust our budgetary allocation. Therefore there are still some excess funds left. These excess funds are now allocated in the mansion of MR. LARRY GURA in Buckner the township of Missouri. I have decided to keep this excess amount for ourselves but can't not use this allocation of funds in the Buckner, Missouri for fear of visual confirmation by the Kansas City Royal, United States.If the money is returned to this organizaedtion, treasury my future allocation will be reduced or worse still, the money will beembezzled by officials of our apex bank (Royals Mastercard).

This money is currently lying in a hayloft wall in my Buckner of Missouri township mansion. As a former baseballer of Royals baseball, I are prohibited by the Code of Conduct Bureau (David Glass) from opening or operating a new account and or dealing in exchange in my, MR. LARRY GURA, name, so I cannot directly acquire the money without leaving the area in a non-suspiciuous mode. I have therefore been mandated as a matter of trust by my realtor to look for a partner to whom we could transfer the property of Buckner of township mansion for US$750_000. Consequently, I am willing to transfer the building of hayloft wall mansion total amount to you as payment for consultancy services rendered to me for subsequent disbursement. In return we have agreed to offer you this Buckner mansion for no money and 30% of the US$329 million, while 10% shall be set aside for incidental expenses (internal and external and closing costs and mortgage loan fees) accrued between the parties in the course of the transaction and 60% for me. When you are resident in Buckner of township Missouri home, we will complete the beneficial transaction for the two of us. All logistics are in place and all modalities worked out for the smooth conclusion of the transaction within ten to fourteen days of commencement. It is imperative to bear in mind that having put 9 years in service of the Baseball Kansas Royals, I am averse to having my image dented.This matter should therefore be treated with utmost secrecy and urgency. Kindly expedite action by contacting me and indicating your interest in this transaction in order for me to give you full details. Please I am urgently waiting your response.

Regards, Larry Gura.

So, the way I read this e-mail is that Larry Gura has a buttload of money in a hayloft or something in Buckner, Missouri, and that if I can buy his old house, I'll get my money back, the property, and 30% of all that money that the Royals had left over after manufacturing his bobblehead doll.

Here's the problem, though, guys: I don't have $750,000 to buy Gura's house. I mean, I went and looked at the property online, and it looks pretty sweet, but I just don't have the money.

DAMMIT. I WISH I HAD $750,000! I'd buy that place right now!

Wait...

Maybe some of my fellow Royals fans would be willing to pool our money together to buy Gura's old house? It has five bedrooms... I'd only really need one of those for me and my wife. Rolling green pasture, a see-through fireplace, a bar, a large master suite, a walnut grove, a hot tub, an indoor putting green. It's the Fort Osage school district, if that matters. I hear Buckner might get a Quizno's soon. That would be cool.

Oh c'mon, who am I kidding?

The place doesn't matter. Think of the hundreds of millions of dollars in that fucking hayloft!

We gotta do it guys. We gotta buy Larry Gura's house!

....

No? You don't want to?

Alright, I didn't want to have to do this...

I'll be honest.

This isn't my first run-in with Larry Gura. I'm pretty worried about what he'll do to me if I ignore his e-mail.

I mean, the dude has a green belt in Tae Kwon Do.

You don't want to mess with that.

Still nobody interested?

For God's sake, guys, I'm serious. You've gotta help me.

Please.

You read the e-mail. The dude's insane!

He'll hurt me! He's done it before!

Wait...

What was that?

Oh God.

Oh my God.

He's... he's in my house.

He's here.

Please help me.

No Gura! Stay away!

Stop, Gura!

Stop!

No!

NOOOOOOOOOOO!

GUUUUURRRRRAAAAAA!

Go Royals! 161-1! You're the Best!

Are You Afraid of the Snark?

2010-04-04T21:48:00.000-06:00

Submitted for the approval of The Midnight Society, I call this "The Tale of the Bullshit Blogger."

As the seasons wear on and the blogosphere booms and busts, booms and busts, the shocking number of people wasting their lives writing about the Kansas City Royals just continues to grow. And as this group grows, I find myself with less and less to say that isn't already being said. Never has a team as poor as the Royals been given so much attention. Sure, they aren't on television, really. Or the radio. Or even in the newspaper. But all those mediums are dying. Who cares if they aren't in the paper? The paper sucks, anyway. Where the Royals are ubiquitous, though, is the blog.

You've got guys liveblogging games. You've got guys getting into heated arguments over insignificant players like Brian Anderson and Edgar Osuna. You've got guys adopting my schtick, but with more cursing and less affection. Hell, even the Royals themselves have a blog.

What's left for me? Where do I fit in? Why am I bothering coming back for another season of middling, infrequent posting about this organization?

I don't know. I honestly don't know.

The team isn't going to be much fun this season. Even in the worst years, I've always had a befuddling amount of optimism. Not this time, though. The team looks terrible this year. Maybe worse than last year. Probably worse than last year. Definitely worse than last year.

But I'll keep this blog alive. I'll keep posting. I'll throw some magic dust on the fire and spin tales of madness, depravity, and morality aimed at eight to twelve year old kids with nothing better to do on Saturday nights. And maybe I'll recruit some young upstarts, some Ren and Stimpys and Alex Macks and Pete and Petes, to help me out around here.

If nothing else, I can promise you this: The blog will be wildly inconsistent.

Referencing SNICK in my first post of the year for no apparent reason should be proof of that.

Go Royals! 162-0! You're the Best!

Happy December 13th!

2009-12-13T11:10:00.006-07:00

If only Tony Pena, Jr. and his elf ears were still around.

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

And here's maybe the most disturbing thing ever posted to the Internet:

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Go Gene Shalit! You're a Giant, Fruity Muppet!

Obligatory Sweep Post

2009-09-10T18:49:00.002-06:00

Yeah, I know I posted this at the start of last season (around 300 games ago) but whatever.

This image is too awesome to not re-use---

BOOYAH!

Ahem.

Sadly, this is the first chance I've had to bust out this sweep image/fodder for Disney's lawyers in a long time.

I actually attended the Royals' previous sweep, against the Reds in KC waaaaaaay back in June.

Unfortunately, I wasn't anywhere near a computer to post this:

Thank God that's been rectified.

Yep.

That's it.

Probably not worth the wait.

But whatever.

Take that, Karl Marx!

Go Royals! You're the Best at Winning When it No Longer Matters!

FIVE MORE YEARS! FIVE MORE YEARS! FIVE MORE YEARS!

2009-08-31T15:24:00.006-06:00

I've tried and failed to write this post several times over the last couple of weeks. I've written and deleted thousands of words. There's nothing funny to say anymore about this season. I watched the game yesterday and was excited and happy and it was a great experience. But the truth remains. This team is terrible. Not just this year's team, either. The Royals. As a team. Are terrible.

And today we got another sign in the form of a contract extension for Dayton Moore.

I'm not sure why this extension happened. He was going to be here through 2011 already. I would have much rather seen how he and the team did next year before doing anything about his contract. Because turning around two decades of suckitude hasn't yet happened and it may never.

And yet, Glass says that despite being in dead last in the American League this year, despite being one of the losingest franchises in sports since their World Series victory, the Royals are moving in the right direction.

I don't see what he sees. In fact, comparing last year to this year, it certainly looks like they are headed in the absolute wrong direction. Their winning percentage is under .400. They might have more talent on the team this year, but that talent resides in only five or six players. The other twenty or so guys taking up space on the roster? Well, no other team can rival their crappiness. In fact, on the hitting side, the Royals don't even rival a roster made up entirely of replacement players. That means the entire offensive side of the ball could be released and replaced with nobodies, and they'd probably win just as much, if not more, games. On the pitching side, the starters are showing better promise. The bullpen? Well, aside from Soria and Robinson Tejeda, there isn't much positive to say about the bullpen.

And Trey Hillman. His weaknesses have become very apparent this year. He has shown that if he doesn't have a fantastic stable of relievers at his disposal, as he did last season, that he can't manage a game at all. That is to say, the primary thing he needed to be good at this year, he wasn't. With serviceable, but inconsistent starters, that spells doom for a team. With no offense to boot, you end up with the 2009 Royals. Moore's choice is simple for next year-- fix the bullpen and patch up the offense OR fire Hillman and hope the next guy knows how to polish turds.

But this waiting around shit is getting us nowhere. Each year, the team's return to success gets pushed back another two or three years. I remember when we were supposed to compete in 1991. In 1996. In 1999. In 2001. In 2003 and 2004. In 2007. In 2009.

And now what are we looking forward to? Next year? Nope.

Sure, they might be better next year (they goddamn better be), but the general consensus is that they won't be good until 2011 or 2012. And now, with this announcement of Moore's extension, things only seem bleaker.

In one sense, extending Moore is a vote of confidence... maybe he'll do better with trades and personnel moves this off-season and next year, and we will see some real change in the win column. But then again, an extension pushes back the need to be successful by three years. It cushions him, gives him the opportunity to waste another year on retreads that other teams don't want. Why do that? Why give him a Carl Peterson-size leash? Is he going to work any harder if he knows he has five years to do his job instead of two?

Royals fans never get the chance to say, "Maybe next year," like other fans. It's always, "Maybe in 2012. Maybe in 2014." Hell, in 1986 we weren't expecting the team to suck for over twenty years. Think about that. Over twenty years. That World Series win happened 16 years into the team's existence. This year is their fortieth anniversary. Now, I've gone through the list of things that didn't exist twenty-three years ago, so I won't depress you with that again, but it boggles the mind that a team can be this consistently awful for this long.... between 1986 and today, just think of the number of changes the Royals have made in general managers, managers, players, and coaches, the color of the stadium seats, the birth of a mascot, several uniform changes, a logo change, new minor league teams, a new spring training location, millions of dollars in stadium renovations; I could go on and on. The team has gone through a hundred changes, but they've never changed the one thing that matters.

They lose. A lot. It's what they do. It doesn't matter that the names on the backs of the uniforms are different. That the manager has a mustache or is a jerk or is a goofball or was successful in Japan or thinks players should drink tequila. That the the seats are blue instead of orange. That the stadium has a merry-go-round and Boulevard beer. That the fans pee in urinals instead of troughs. If the team were winning, we wouldn't need all of these other changes to simulate success and growth. We wouldn't need distractions, reasons to compliment the team, if the team was any good to begin with.

Can Moore change that? Even if he's here for five more years? Like all Royals fans (and many other fans around the country who pity the Royals and their fans), I hope so. But how many years, how many dollars, how much time, how much energy, can we be expected to spend on this team that does nothing but disappoint us before the official start of summer every single year? The Royals have been riding their good April this year, as if four weeks of them being a decent team were supposed to be enough for fans. They've been riding Zack Greinke this year, as if one guy makes an entire team worth watching and cheering for. They've made the stadium a whole lot more fun and given away a bunch of free t-shirts, as if bells and whistles and a new coat of paint can hide a bad team.

The fact remains: this is one of the most disappointing teams in Royals history. Not just because of this year, but because of the last twenty-three years. There's nothing funny about that. Not anymore.

We'll see if anything amuses me enough to write about over the next month, but I seriously doubt it. If that's the case, I'll be back next year, hopefully refreshed enough to enjoy writing things about and poking fun at this team

In the meantime, I'll do the following out of obligation more than my current attitude:

Go Royals! You're the Best!

250 Words on Billy Butler's O-Face

2009-08-06T21:27:00.008-06:00

He's been busting this out a lot lately.

Any time Billy Butler jacks one (ahem), his mouth forms a hilarious O.

Check it out.

OH...

OH...

OH....

You know what I'm talking about...

OH...

Don't worry, ladies. Just because he looks surprised doesn't mean you won't enjoy his thunder.

He's lean, mean, and as Frank White points out, "he carries a hot stick."

Oh.... And don't mind the constant gum chewing.

This man is Bubble-YUM!

He's BUBBLICIOUS!

He's, uh, Big League, uh, Wait, No Teeth, please!

Whatever.

What I'm trying to say is, he appreciates a good blow.

Wait... that's, um, that's not what I meant.

Yeah, there it is...

Okay.

I have to apologize for this post.

There is no tactful way to tie the Kansas City Royals to orgasms.

Or is there?

No.

No, there isn't.

Especially when most men's penises crawl back up inside them when they watch a Royals game.

Except, of course, when Billy's at bat.

BEGIN MICHEAL WINSLOW SOUND EFFECTS SEQUENCE/

**Wolf-whistle, bed squeaking, purring,
panting, barking, howling, rowboat lips,
WOW CHICKA WOW WOOOOW**

/END MICHEAL WINSLOW SOUND EFFECTS SEQUENCE

Go Royals! I'm The Gayest!

I mean, um, You're The Beast!

BEST!

Did I say Beast?

What's that even mean?

I meant Best.

What?

I did.

Don't be gay, dude.

How to Lose A Fan in 10 Days

2009-07-24T00:29:00.001-06:00

Holy shit.

After losing six straight games due entirely to bullpen meltdowns and nine overall, Dayton Moore claims the Royals will not lose 100 games this year.

That means KC has to win 26 of the final 68 games.

Can they do it?

Is that enough drama to make you keep watching this shit?

To keep paying for tickets and merchandise and $7.50 Boulevards?

Probably not.

When your main goal is the Royals not losing 100 games for the fifth time in eight years, your goal might as well be learning Esperanto or making a good Transformers movie or curing cancer or achieving peace in the Middle East or making No Child Left Behind work or not drinking yourself to death.

And so what if they do it?

So what if the Royals DON'T lose 100 or more games?

What if they lose merely 99, or, gasp, 98 games this year instead of 100?

OH MY GOD THEY DIDN'T LOSE 100 GAMES--- THIS IS ARGUABLY THE BEST WORST TEAM EVER.

No.

It's pointless.

How about your goal is not losing 90 games? Or 80? Or not blowing more games than you save? Or not being the laughingstock of Major League Baseball (which shouldn't have been a problem, considering the Nationals, but sadly no one, other than Dayton Moore, seems sure that the Royals will ever win again at this point).....

SERIOUSLY, YOUR GOAL IS NOT TO LOSE 100?

WHY?

NO, SERIOUSLY, WHY?

SOMEONE TELL ME WHY WE SHOULD CARE ABOUT THIS TEAM.

This is progress?

This is moving in the right direction?

Losing 2/3 of your games nearly every year for almost a decade?

For almost TWO decades?

Sigh.

This is the point of the speech where I would throw the microphone down and walk off the stage, but I don't have the ability to make such a dramatic, non-verbal, white-rapper-pretending-to-be-hard gesture here.

So instead, I'll post a piece of, dare I say, artwork, that expresses my disappointment and hatred of the current Royals regime, management, general management, the lineup, the bullpen, and the whole optimism-in-the-face-of-overwhelming-evidence attitude that keeps this franchise falsely rejuvenated every year from October to March:

There.

No.

Wait.

Did I...

Hmm....

I actually hate those Calvin-Pissing-On-Things decals...

In fact:

There.

That adequately shows my hatred for those things.

.....

Sigh.

Forget it.

Royals, I have no earthly idea why, but I could never stay mad at you.

As long as there are other even more inconsequential things to be mad at:

Like Calvin-Pissing-On-Things decals. And Mark Buehrle. And cats. And ESPN. And romantic comedies. And people who don't know what to do at four-way intersections. And the constant media coverage of Michael Jackson's death. And humidity. And...

Uh....

And the disturbing popularity of Two and a Half Men.

YEAH!

Somebody put that shit on the back window of a pickup.

Somehow, looking at how awful everything and everybody is, the Royals don't seem so depressing.

Bring on 100 losses!

Go Nihilism! You're the Best!

We don't need no education.

2009-07-22T00:22:00.004-06:00

“There’s a lot that people don’t know. I’m not going to bang my head against the wall defending things I do or do not do in trying to educate the masses about things that, quite frankly, I can’t educate. There’s just too much.”

--Trey Hillman

And now, a rebuttal from Royales with Cheese:

I disagree, Trey. I'm not sure how your streak of losing games you shouldn't, of making dumbass game decisions, of generally being one of the most disappointing hires in team history, has failed to provide me with an adequate education of who you are, of what this team is, of how monumentally disappointing this season has been. You're terrible at your job.

Your team has won 19 of of their last 65 games.

19 of 65!

That's a 29% winning percentage.

You know what that means?

They have lost 46 of 65.

That's a 71% losing percentage.

That's disgusting. That's nearly pornographic.

Losing at that clip for the rest of the year will make this Royals team one of the worst in major league history. If you were a student, you would be failing spectacularly. If you were a President, you'd be compared unfavorably to Dubya and Hoover. If you were an actor, you'd be an extra in a Z-Grade straight-to-dvd Christian Slater movie. If you were a car, you'd be a Triumph TR-7. If you were twenty years younger, you'd be the brunette Spencer Pratt. If you were a state, you'd be New Jersey. And if you were a manager of any other baseball team in this country, including the local Parks and Rec team in the 5 to 6 year old division, you'd be out on your ass.

You ARE bad at this job. This team IS bad.

How can you possibly "educate" fans otherwise?

Well, there's one way.

But that would take winning.

Good decisions.

And, again, WINNING.

OR SHIT, FORGET BEING A WINNING TEAM. HOW ABOUT GETTING WITHIN PISSING DISTANCE OF .500?

SERIOUSLY. YOU CAN'T LOSE 2/3 OF YOUR GAMES AND CALL EVERYONE ELSE STUPID. IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY. YOU ARE BAD AT YOUR JOB. WHETHER IT'S YOUR FAULT OR NOT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER. YOU ARE THE LEADER OF THIS TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE TEAM. JUST MAN UP AND ACCEPT THAT. YOU, YOU...***

***(I initially wrote a long string of curse words here accusing Hillman of all sorts of deviant, socio- and psychopathic behavior, but apparently I haven't drank quite enough to go ahead and publish the graphic vitriol that I, and probably you, have been thinking about Trey-Dog over the last few months. Perhaps we can take a moment here where you, the reader, can yell as many filthy things as you want at the computer screen-- it is quite liberating, I must confess).

Here are a couple staged PR photos of the #(%*@$*! hiding behind things that attempt to make him seem like a non-#(%*@$*!

You may commence yelling now:

And just for fairness' sake, here's an undoctored photo of Trey Hillman punching a puppy in the face:

Alright.

Stop yelling...

Now.

Feel better?

No?

Well, just remember there are only about ten more weeks of this bullshit left to endure... or ignore. Surely you can handle a shitty Royals team for that long (hell, most people have been ignoring or enduring one since the late 80s).

Sigh.

Before we go, we need to call out one more guy:

Dayton "Allard Baird Redux" Moore.

You don't get a free pass. By giving Trey a vote of confidence, you are sealing your own fate.

IN DAYTON WE ~~TRUST~~ SHIT OUR PANTS.

It's hard to recall the last good thing this guy did for the team... the bad trades, the dumb signings, and now this. To think, we hailed this dipshit as a savior when he came to KC.

He's not.

He's just another in a long string of guys who can't turn the Royals around. And it's almost worse this time because there were signs that things would be better. More money was spent. Effort was made in hiring personnel. Buddy Bell was even fired. But these past ten weeks have been some of the worst in Royals history. And the next ten, as previously mentioned, don't look promising.

But come on, there's always next year, right?

Oh wait, Hillman could be back. And Moore will probably sign/trade for another fitfteen exiled Mariners or Braves players before opening day next year.

And we will be right here again next year, for some reason wondering what went wrong, when really we should just suck it up and realize this team is destined to suck for the foreseeable future.

So it is written, so it shall be.

Can someone please explain to me why we Royals fans are always so damn optimistic when we have decades worth of evidence proving we should be committing mass suicide?

No?

We are one sick, twisted, masochistic group of people, aren't we?

Oh well.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

(at losing)

(and punching puppies in the face)

The Second Annual All Non-Star Team

2009-07-13T06:28:00.007-06:00

If you want to be technical about it, this really should be about the 21st Annual All-Non-Star team, but this team's suckiness pre-dates blogs.

The Royals as a successful franchise also pre-dates the following:

Netscape Navigator
the rise and fall of Vanilla Ice
GPS
the nicotine patch
the end of Apartheid
Crystal Pepsi
the first Gulf War
two Florida Marlins' World Series Championships
the Florida Marlins
NAFTA
thirteen Land Before Time films
the fall of the Berlin Wall
DVR
grunge rock
The Simpsons
16-bit video games
Comedy Central
three presidential terms by guys named George Bush
the rise and fall of the compact disc
the births of top Royals prospects Mike Moustakas and Danny Duffy
and... and....

Damn, that's depressing.

But who sucks this year?

As usual, it's much quicker to answer who doesn't suck.

But how do we decide which guys really deserve our scorn as Royals fans? Who not only sucks, but sucks out loud? Who are the guys that have somehow made this team worse than last season's abomination?

Leading the pack of Non-Stars, the absolute biggest suckhole on the roster, is the three-headed hellhound with an OPS deficiency that is Mike Jacobs, Jose Guillen and Coco Crisp.

How do you get a shitty OPS, you might ask? Well, you combine a shitty SLG % and a shitty OBP. So not only do these guys fail to hit for power (and two out of three of them were signed to do little else), they also don't hit. Period. Or walk. Or get hit by pitches. Or do anything else that might get them from home plate to first base. Coco getting injured was both a blessing and a curse, as he was replaced by the even worse Mitch Maier.

Next up on our cavalcade of horrors is second-time Non-Star Tony Pena, Jr. He's only a part-time employee, splitting his hours between the ballclub and the Hollow Tree Factory, where he makes E.L. Fudge cookies.

TPJ is batting a puny .098, which means he may very well be the absolute worst baseball player ever. And yet, there he is in the lineup two or three times a week, giving the other team an out over 90% of the time. Simply astonishing. Hopefully Keebler will hire him on full time and we'll be rid of this guy.

For our next Non-Stars, there's the shitstain known as the Royals bullpen. It's hard to even single any one guy out here. Aside from the closer, nobody has an ERA below 4.00, and most of these guys are north of 5.00. Calling to the Royals bullpen is like playing Reverse Russian Roulette. Five of the chambers are loaded.

Give it up for the worst of the worst: John Bale, Robinson Tejeda, Kyle Farnsworth, Jamey Wright and Ron "Mayday" Mahay.

Bang bang, they shot wins down, bang bang, let's kill these clowns.

The starters have been a stronger aspect of the club, but mostly because of one guy.

Retreads Sidney Ponson and Bruce Chen aren't even good enough to hold down the fifth spot in the rotation on one of the worst teams in the league. Each of these guys are only 32, but they rival Jose Guillen in number of teams that have shitcanned their services. Combined, they've played for half the teams in major league baseball.

Ponson and Chen have played for Baltimore, New York, Texas, Montreal, Cincinnati, the other New York, Atlanta, Philadelphia, Houston, Boston, St. Louis, Minnesota, San Francisco, and now, unfortunately, Kansas City. What about their resumes made Moore think signing these guys was a good idea?

Also, Sidney Ponson is a fat ass.

Last but not least, there is a late addition to the Royals All Non-Star team. None other than new acquisition Yuniesky Betancourt.

Here's the take from Yuniesky-devoted blog Yuniform (I'm dead serious):

"Yuni has the change (sic) to disappoint or surprise a new batch of fans, hang out with Willie B, Gil Meche and Jose Guillen, and maybe even take a bath in a neat fountain. Kansas City may be a cow town, but they have a good stadium, and a lot of Hallmark-centered interesting-ness throughout town. Boulevard is a more-than-acceptable beer. Maybe he’ll inherit the ghost of Buck O’Neil or Frank White. To me, this trade epitomizes the Midwest: it’s sad, but can be vastly productive. I’m bummed that Yuniesky’s now no longer a Mariner, glad that the Mariners were able to salvage something from his corpse of a career."

What do we learn from this?

Two things:

1) Royales with Cheese is not the worst baseball-related blog out there.

2) Despite a limited knowledge of the English language, Kansas City, and the fact that Frank White isn't dead, even this dipshit and known Yuniesky Betancourt worshipper thinks Yuniesky Betancourt's career is over.

Honestly, Betancourt is every terrible Royals shortstop in history rolled into one: take generous portions of Neifi Perez and Angel Berroa, add some Tony Pena, Jr. and Angel Salazar, a dash of Mendy Lopez, drizzle it with some Onix Concepcion, bring to a rapid boil and then cover, and baby, you got a stew going.

Yuniesky Betancourt as the Royals starting shortstop cannot end well. That's why he's on the list before even putting on his Yuniform (har har har).

All right, that wraps it up.

Now remember, some deserving members of the Royals didn't make the All Non-Star team, but that doesn't mean their contribution to this season shouldn't go without mentioning, so give it up for notable snubs Kyle Davies, Mitch Maier, Luis Hernandez, and of course, Manager Trey Hillman. You suck too, guys.

Go Non-Stars! You're the Best!

My Life With The Freel Kill Kult

2009-07-06T15:19:00.001-06:00

The Royals have finally done it.

They've made the move that will turn their season around.

That's right.

The Royals traded for....

wait for it...

Ryan "For Real" Freel!

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH BOOOOOOYEEEEEEEE!

I mean, seriously, the Royals best player right now is arguably Wee Willie Bloomquist.

I think a team of Willie Bloomquists or Willie Bloomquist-type players might be better than what we have right now.

Now, you might be against the trade. I can see your reasons now:

1) He sucks.

2) He's a drunk and a clubhouse malcontent.

3) He's a clubhouse malcontent and a drunk.

4) He parties with his agent.

5) He sucks.

But I disagree, and for one very solid, very logical reason.

Ryan Freel comes with his own imaginary midget friend.

From the Dayton Daily Who Gives a Shit What the Paper's Called It's a Dead Medium:

"He's a little guy who lives in my head who talks to me and I talk to him. That little midget in my head said, 'That was a great catch, Ryan,' I said, 'Hey, Farney, I don't know if that was you who really caught that ball, but that was pretty good if it was.' Everybody thinks I talk to myself, so I tell 'em I'm talking to Farney." Freel later said that Farney's name arose from a conversation with Reds trainer Mark Mann: "He actually made a comment like, 'How are the voices in your head?' We'd play around and finally this year he said, 'What's the guy's name?' I said, 'Let's call him Farney.' So now everybody's like, 'Run, Farney, run' or 'Let Farney hit today. You're not hitting very well.'"

That's right, a midget named Farney lives inside Freel's head.

So, this trade is like a two for one, or at least a one-and-half for one deal. Which makes it maybe one of the best trades the Royals have ever made.

I, for one, welcome Ryan Freel and his imaginary midget overlord. I believe this is just the thing that's going to turn the season around.

Save us Farney-wan Kenobi, you're our only hope!

Go Dum-Dum! You're the Best!

Who didn't see this coming?

2009-06-05T21:21:00.002-06:00

The Royals, and yes, the almighty Greinke, lost.

This one had been coming for the last couple weeks.

Cue the sad trombone.

DEPRESSION IN WAV FORMAT.

Cue it, dammit!

Ahem.

Cued.

Go Royals. You're the Whatever.

Seriously.

I'm staying in bed tomorrow.

Meme (sounds like 'Ream')

2009-06-04T18:51:00.000-06:00

What the hell happened to this season?

It has become painfully clear that every Royals game should now end with this:

Go Royals! You're the...

uh...

Shit.

Play 'em off, Keyboard Cat.

Land of the Losses

2009-05-27T23:03:00.000-06:00

My last post was too optimistic.

I'll never make that mistake again.

The team has been terrible since that six-game winning streak. I don't care if you have the best stopper in the game. That doesn't matter if you lose three or four games between every Greinke start.

Oil and water have returned to their proper positions. The Royals are biffing plays left and right, sputtering on offense, losing the games that count, accidentally spitting in umpires' eyes... really, only one analogy works for the past few weeks.

The Royals are a freaking dog. For the first five weeks, they seemed healthy, fun, excitable. You were in love with your new pet. Sure it had some fleas and some bad habits, but it was a good dog.

Now?

Now the new dog smell has worn off and the dog fart smell has permeated the metropolitan area. The dog's anal glands are leaking. Bad pitching. Bad hitting. Bad defense. They are dragging their collective asses on the ground and spreading the ass juice all over the field. Don't believe me? Watch Jose Guillen try to field right.

And after the glands are done leaking, this dog is furiously licking at the stain, licking it until it's gone and then licking the empty spot until you smack it with a rolled-up magazine.

I know this is a pretty technical analogy. I'm sorry this blog has gotten so highbrow.

Here's a diagram to help explain what I'm saying:

That's the Royals right now. A wall-eyed dog slurping up its own anal leakage until something snaps it out of its trance. Unfortunately, that something doesn't appear to be Greinke.

He's on track for the Cy Young, and yet the team's record isn't much different from last year.

They have to turn this around. Otherwise, we're in for a horribly disappointing year. What could fix this? What could resolve this problem?

I think we all know the answer, though we are afraid to admit it.

The Royals

Need

Guns.

That's it.

That's the solution.

They need to pretend it's the opening sequence from The Last Boy Scout or the closing sequence of The Naked Gun, and they need to cap some bitches.

I don't normally advocate violence, but what other choice does this team have?

Instead of shooting themselves in the foot, the Royals could shoot their opponents.

Instead of throwing gopher balls, Horacio Ramirez could throw bullets.

Instead of meekly grounding into double plays, Miguel Olivo could commit some double homicides.

Instead of sucking ass, Coco Crisp could smoke some ass.

Instead of George Brett dropping F-Bombs, he could drop carpet bombs on the visitor's clubhouse.

Instead of eating their own dookie, the Royals could eat the other teams' babies.

And now it's official.

The satire has reached Jonathan Swift levels (without the humor or logic and with many more references to poop for some reason), so I'll just close with the following:

I hate May. The month. The Darrell. The crapitude.

I hate it.

But it's almost over.

So yeah. Keep your heads up, true believers.

I was joking about the murdering, the killing, the eating of the small children, the conspiracy to commit criminal acts via an anonymous blog.

Ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

Funny, right?

Ha.

Oy.

Ahem. At least something good has come from this; for any of the Royals promotional staff reading, consider this: Willie Bloomquist Free Derringer Giveaway Night = Sure Sellout.

Yep.

How many days until the next Greinke start?

Go Royals! You're the Best!

We're going streaking!

2009-05-13T07:47:00.008-06:00

Hey, gang! Long time no post, huh?

Well, to be fair, there wasn't a whole lot of negativity to share. After a solid April, May has been a tale of two streaks.

Beginning May 2, the Royals went on a nice run. They were winning games that they should have and games that they should not have won. The pitching was fantastic. The hitting was timely. Billy Butler learned how to play first. Ponson made the most of his final start. They were getting more national coverage than they've received in over a decade. Suddenly, the Royals were 6-1 in May and stood at 18-11 overall. They were at the top of the Central and close to the top of the league.

Then they went to California, home of wildfires, earthquakes, retarded beauty queens, a thriving pornography industry, the worst schools in the country, Manny injecting Manny, and a $21.3 billion budget deficit. All that, and the star of Commando running the show.

(It's not all bad of course. In-n-Out Burger, wine country, giant Redwoods, a thriving pornography industry...)

But I digress. California is where things started going wrong. Zack Greinke threw a one-run complete game but was somehow outpitched. Miguel Olivo, Jamey Wright, and Jose Guillen combined to give a game away in less than three minutes. Luke Hochevar shat the bed against the worst offensive team in the league. It's four straight losses now, and a little negativity is creeping back.

The Royals have some problems. Not as many as in years past, of course, and this doesn't seem like the beginning of one of those famous Royals fourteen-game losing streaks, but now that we're over thirty games into the season, there are three players to be concerned about:

1) Joakim Soria. It hasn't really hurt the team so far, but the higher-ups were pretty cagey about putting the kid on the DL, with statements coming out that there was nothing wrong with him at all. Now they are saying a partial tear. He doesn't need any surgery, apparently. Let's just hope this isn't one of those lingering things.

2) Mike Aviles needs demoted. He doesn't look comfortable in the box this year. Let him figure it out in Omaha.

3) David DeJesus needs, well, not demoted, but kicked in the ass at least. He's killing rallies left and right in the two hole.

Really, that's a pretty short list of concerns for six weeks into the season. I'm confident they'll snap out of it soon. With a sellout coming up this Friday at the K, the future of the team is looking good.

The biggest problem right now is probably California.

Let's just get them the hell out of there.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

A Boost to Wikipedia's Credibility

2009-04-20T13:18:00.014-06:00

God bless the anonymous editors of Wikipedia.

Check out Trey Hillman's page:

Enhance:

Heh. Either that's one pissed off Royals fan, or Buddy Bell has learned how to use the Internet.

Enhance:

Urge to Kill.... Rising

2009-04-20T06:24:00.004-06:00

If you didn't read my post from last Wednesday about Farnsworth, or even if you did, it's worth reading again. Just make sure to add a loss (he's 0-3 now; that was his second loss of the week), change his ERA to 18.90 (Jesus Tits), and raise my anger level from "Full Of Hate-Filled Rage" to "Shitting Fury Out Of My Ass." In short, Farnsworth blows. That's been established. We know that.

What's really disheartening? Trey Hillman blows, too. He doesn't know how to utilize a bullpen. And that may be the Royals downfall this year. This is clearly one of, if not the best, teams that has been fielded by KC in over a decade. They can compete for the division this year, but sadly, I think it really depends on Hillman. Of the Royals five losses, at least two, and arguably three, can be blamed on bullpen decisions Mr. Goatee has made.

So why didn't Hillman put in Soria to give us a better chance of completing the sweep? The same Soria that hadn't pitched since last Monday? The same Soria that Hillman was saying needed to get some work on Sunday regardless of the situation? The same Soria that Hillman calls "Jack" Soria for some reason?

Trey's response to that question after the game: "You don't do that on the road.... the percentages are against it."

Oh Fearless Leader, the percentages are against putting one of the best pitchers in the league into a game to preserve a tie and give your team a chance at the win in extra innings? The percentages are against that?

Well you know what, dipshit? If you really were using percentages, you wouldn't let Farnsworth pitch at all. Not if the Royals still have a chance to win a game. Never against right-handed hitters. Never in the goddamn state of Texas.

The percentages are ALWAYS AGAINST KYLE FARNSWORTH.

THEY ARE RARELY, IF EVER, AGAINST "JACK" SORIA.

I CAN'T STOP YELLING.

I WISH THIS WERE A FUNNIER POST.

BUT IT'S NOT.

HILLMAN AND FARNSWORTH MIGHT DESTROY THE DREAMS OF EVERY ROYALS FAN IN THE WORLD.

SHIT!

GO ROYALS! YOU'RE THE BEST!

"Good news, everyone!"

2009-04-15T16:33:00.000-06:00

"Our super free-agent reliever super exploded!

I need you to take him back and exchange him for a wobbly CD rack and some of those rancid meatballs."

Pretty much everyone but Dayton Moore knew signing Farnsworth was a bad idea. And yet, Kansas City is paying him 9.25 million over the next two years. So far, the signing is paying off. He's lost two games for KC (including Opening Day), been outpitched by Sidney Ponson of all people, and accumulated a 16.50 ERA.

Big whoop, you say. That's only in 3 1/3 innings. He'll get better.

Of course he will; not even Jose Lima could maintain an ERA above 15 for an entire season.

But Kyle Farnsworth still won't be a good setup man. He's not a good reliever in general. He has a career ERA of 4.49, a career WHIP of 1.41, and more blown saves than saves. The most holds he's had in a season are 24, and that happened eight years ago when he was with the Chicago Cubs. In the eight years since that season, he has been a Cub, a Tiger, a Brave, a Yankee, and a Tiger again; he has speared two opposing players Bill Goldberg style; and he has never learned how to pitch.

According to baseball-reference.com, the pitchers he is most similar to are Doug Henry, Russ Springer, Mike Trombley, Jay Witasick, and Hector Carrasco. None of those guys are/were worth tens of millions of dollars, but for some reason, GMs seem to think Farnsworth is. His contract with KC is bad, but then again, the Yankees gave him the same amount PER YEAR with his last contract.

The reason he can still get a job pitching in the majors, the reason he can get paid a lot for that job, is that he throws the ball really, really, really, really, really hard and doesn't completely suck. He has no brain in his head, no finesse in his pitching, nothing to show for being born with a gift other than a lot of money and mediocre stats.

It makes you wonder why Fate has been kind to someone like him when there are plenty of guys out there just like Farnsworth, owners of a 100 mph fastball, that aren't/weren't blessed with his ability to get a major league gig as a middling middle reliever for a decade.

But I'd argue Fate really hasn't been all that kind to Kyle Farnsworth. That being a middling middle reliever is no blessing. Sure he's rich, but nobody gives a damn about him. The ones with his talent who didn't make it, the Steve Dalkowskis and Colt Griffins, are more interesting, more compelling figures than Farnsworth will ever be.

We tend to hold both successes and failures with high regard. That's why we're proud of being Royals fans, despite so little to show for all the years of watching them. At least when they fail, they fail spectacularly. Indeed, it's easy to love (or hate) someone or something that is the best or the worst, but we don't know how to deal with the mediocre. It's just there.

And that will be my attitude towards Farnsworth until he is released or traded. He'll just be there. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, but mostly just there.

Go Royals! You're The Best!

The Fantasy is Over.

2009-04-09T22:05:00.008-06:00

Yeah, fantasy baseball is stupid.

Want evidence?

Kinda hard to read. Here:

Callous.... Disgusting... Idiotic.

I don't know Nick Adenhart. I wasn't a fan of him or of the Angels.

But the way I'm seeing his death treated is disturbing to me.

The above is proof that fantasy baseball matters more than a man's life to somebody, and that for some reason somebody thinks it's okay to post a joke about the death of a person as "Smack" on his Yahoo! fantasy team.

So yeah. That's messed up.

But the same thing is going on with real baseball... Check out how Baseball Tonight seems to be treating this in their opening segment.

Steve Berthiaume: "Yeah, tragic death of course, but how does this affect the team's chances at the playoffs? How will Mike Scioscia make sure his guys focus on winning, rather than their friend's tragic death? Buck Showalter, what do you think?"

Sigh.

He was a ballplayer, yes. But he was a human. And I can't reconcile how people are focused on anything but that.

Of course, you have to feel for the two others who died. We might not know their names or anything about them had an MLB player not also died.

Basically what I'm saying is this: The priorities of a lot of people in this country are fucked.

....

I'll be back with some harmless jokes this weekend.

Go Royals. You're the Best.

HOPE

2009-04-06T19:53:00.002-06:00

What a clever name for a Royals blog!

2009-04-04T00:07:00.001-06:00

So www.royaleswithcheese.com...

That's not me.

For one thing, it offers insightful commentary and frequent updates.

Which is great, I guess, if every other Royals blog didn't already do that.

I do want to point out that it offers little in the way of Emil Brown jokes, poorly photoshopped images, references to Match Game '74 and, this is the most important, it offers absolutely nothing in the way of ridiculous drunken rants.

Speaking of which....

Go ahead, take the name. Register the site. Whatever. I borrowed the phrase from Tarantino who got it from the French McDonald's. I don't own the phrase or, clearly, the domain. If I could have afforded the five dollars a year, I would have bought it, believe me.

What I offer with this shitty blog is the amateur's perspective. The idiot's commentary. The dumbass observations you didn't know you wanted until you saw them turned into a picture of Hideo Nomo's head on a pregnant teenage girl's body. To me, that fits the sensibility of the blog's title pretty damn well. What I'm seeing on that site does not, and it makes me question why they chose that name.

So what if the makers behind that site asked for my permission and blessing to use the name back in January?

So what if I replied, "No, my site isn't dead. It's an April Fool's prank. Please don't use that name."

So what if they came back and said, whoops!!!, they'd already bought the site months ago and, double whoops!!!, it was already designed and, triple whoops!!!, it would be online and functioning in a matter of days?

"But we tried to contact you in the past and you never answered!" Like hell they did. Not asking if they could use the name they didn't.

So what if they then offered me a token position as a staffer with their GLORIOUS NEW PROFESSIONALLY DESIGNED (read as: a WordPress Template that anyone could find online for free) site?

"What better way to come back than using our site and our adspace? You owe it to your fans to come back with a professional site." I disagree. If anything, I owe it to my readers to be anything but professional. This is a personal blog. This is not staffed. There are no obligations. I write the blog because I enjoy it.

So what if I e-mailed back and said, thanks but no thanks, dude, I'm independent.... I don't join no consortium unless it's the Brotherhood of Bloggers with Big Dicks.

So what if they came back and said they understood and agreed to put a prominent disclaimer on their site pointing out that their blog was not affiliated with my blog and that I in no way condoned their use of the name, and that they would post a link to my blog in said disclaimer?

So what if they said they'd be honored to do that, and then ignored that agreement entirely? So what if I didn't even make it on their damn blogroll?

So what?

It's just another Royals blog that seems to specialize in summarizing Royals press releases, saying things that you, the genuine obsessed Royals fan, probably already know. There are a lot of great Royals blogs out there (check the links to the right), but I don't really see what this one adds, other than an attempt to capitalize on the name of this blog.

I've got nothing against the guy who writes that blog (he seems to know his shit, even if he hasn't quite found his voice yet), but the assholes who approached me about the site and lied multiple times about the circumstances surrounding buying, creating, and staffing it, are definitely only it in for their lameass sportsblog network and any ad revenue said lameass sportsblog network can generate.

Here's my last complaint, just because I really don't get it: their logo is a picture of George Brett's head on the body of a heroin-addicted hitman. Personally, I've got no problems mocking Brett's hemorrhoids, but why make your logo Mr. Royal and Sam Jackson capping a bitch?

HAHAHAHAHA! BECAUSE IT'S FROM THAT MOVIE!! WHAT A CLEVER IMAGE!!! I WANT TO GO TO THERE!!!!

Alright... that's the last I'll speak of that site.

I'm sure in three weeks it will be the most popular Royals blog on the net, and I'll be over here posting images of Sidney Ponson's head on the world's fattest man's naked body for the seven readers who are too lazy to delete me from their Google Reader.

Such is life.

Go Phony Royales With Cheese! You're the Best!

Just Kidding, Part Two

2009-04-02T00:00:00.001-06:00

FOOLS! FOOLS! FOOLS!

You just got fooled by the oldest trick in the book!

The old double-reverse April Fools joke that begins in October to optimize the payoff when April comes she will, only to pull the rug out from under you when I reveal on April 2nd that the blog returning for good was actually the real April Fools joke.

Confused?

Yeah.

Me too.

Ah, the hell with it.

I'll keep posting if you'll keep reading.

And probably even if you won't.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

Just kidding.

2009-04-01T00:00:00.001-06:00

You think Major League Baseball contacting me about Daniel Cortes' drunk naked ass on a toilet was really going to make me quit blogging?

Think again.

And I certainly wouldn't be quitting just because I thought my posts were getting worse. This blog has always prided itself on mediocrity.

You just got fooled.

For, like, five months.

Bam.

Go Fools! You're the Best!

The End.

2008-10-13T15:13:00.001-06:00

It's been fun, but Royales with Cheese is no more.

The weak posting of the last two seasons has shown me I just don't have the time or creativity to update this site enough.

Besides, if all goes as planned in the Royals' next couple of seasons, this blog will become pretty pointless soon enough.

In case you're wondering where all of the posts went, MLB has been contacting me about some of the site's content recently, and I'm not looking for any trouble (especially when the blog is extinct anyway).

It was never my intention to do anything other than entertain and brighten the moods of some fellow Royals fans, and I hope I was able to do that... this blog certainly made it easier for me to be a fan the last few seasons.

I'd like to thank everyone for reading.

And, of course...

Go Royals! You're the Best!

Hey Nineteen

2008-07-22T09:51:00.011-06:00

The Royals managed to give up nineteen runs against the Tigers last night, with most of the horror coming from Jimmy Gobble, he of the 11.31 ERA.

It's ridiculous that he gets chance after chance after chance this season simply because he's left-handed.

A friend of mine suggested he should be killed. That seems much too harsh.

How about he drug him, dump him off in Sudan, and frame him for stealing?

No left hand? No problem.

Seriously, Jimmy Gobble's reign of terror must end.

When Tony Pena, Jr. of all people pitches a 1-2-3 ninth inning and strikes out Pudge Rodriguez, it proves that Jimmy Gobble shouldn't be a pitcher on any major league roster.

Of course, that doesn't mean that Pena should be either.

Some people *cough*joeposnanski*cough* are suggesting that Pena be converted. I don't think he should be. At least, not by the Royals.

Sure, he has suddenly blown us away by showing some potential, but it's at a position that would require extensive re-training. I think the fact that this is Tony Pena, Jr. is what is giving fans hard-ons. He's useless otherwise, so fans are excited about turning him into something useful. And I don't disagree that if you swap Gobble and him in the pen, that Pena couldn't manage an 11.31 ERA.

But really, if you want to make that sort of switch, it needs to happen in the minors, and Pena is out of options. I suppose they are probably going to leave him on the roster all season anyway, despite his .152 average, so maybe in the offseason they could give him a crash course in pitching at the major league level, and maybe have him do some more mop up this year, and maybe you've got a chance that he turns out to be a decent reliever in a year or two, and maybe all that hard work and unwillingness to release him was suddenly worth it, and maybe you've got one of the best stories in all of baseball when it's all said and done.

But that's a lot of maybes.

Here is a probably:

Probably, you can very easily sign an already-trained reliever to pitch better than Jimmy Gobble and a converted shortstop combined, and only for a couple million.

Hence, all of that work to convert the guy probably isn't worth it. Not for a reliever. What would be the point? If you're gonna take pity on a guy that sucks and give him every chance in the world, why didn't you try that with Angel Berroa or Scott Pose or any other bottom feeder? Why not train Jimmy Gobble to be a shortstop while we're at it?

It's a hair-brained scheme, something that shouldn't work in real life. So the guy has more raw talent in his arm than in his bat. So what? It sounds like he screwed up and picked the wrong position. It sounds like maybe Tony Pena, Sr. (a catcher of all things) would have been perfect in guiding his son in becoming a good pitcher. But I don't want the Royals to put the time and money and effort into such a change when it would be done out of sheer stubborness to make something out of him, when it would be done just to be a good story, when it would be done just to have another disposable relief pitcher.

If he wants to try that, he should do it on his own, or for another team.

But this is the Royals, and there isn't much reason otherwise to watch them or care about what is going on over the next couple of months, so despite my protests, I see this happening. Not because of the reasons I just mentioned, but because the Royals could sell it as a TV series.

That's right. Pena, Jr.'s switch won't be compelling enough on its own, but combined with several Tony's being converted, ABC might have something.

Watch Shortstop Tony Pena, Jr. become Relief Pitcher Tony Pena, Jr!

Watch Professional Skateboarder Tony Hawk become Professional Skeet Shooter Tony Hawk!

Watch sports journalist Tony Kornheiser become fashion journalist Tony Kornheiser!

Watch Tony Orlando become Dawn!

Watch Tony! Toni! Tone! become Tone! Toni! Tony!

And, of course...

Watch Tony Danza become employed!

I smell a hit.

It would be Pena's first one in quite a while.

Go Royals! You're The Best!

RWC's 1st Annual All-Non-Star Team

2008-07-11T14:10:00.002-06:00

First, let's get this out of the way:

BLAH BLAH BLAH TOO MANY RED SOX AND CUBS BLAH BLAH BLAH THE ALL-STAR GAME IS A JOKE BLAH BLAH BLAH WHO CARES BLAH BLAH BLAH

There.

Done and done.

So the season is over halfway through, and the Royals aren't much better (at least record-wise) than they have been the last five years. Sure, there are some young players that have the potential to be great and a decent pitching staff and an adequate bullpen bolstered by superstud closer Joakim Soria.

But watching the games, it's basically same shit, different season.

It will be years before we can discuss the plethora of Royals that SHOULD be in the All-Star Game (dear God, let that happen someday), but I'm pretty satisfied with our one selection this year. At least it's not Mark Redman.

On the other hand, the rest of the 2008 Royals roster has been loaded with Non-Stars: dead weight, under performers, drunken wifebeaters, loudmouth malcontents, and guys so insignificant that their names will be nothing more than words Royals fans throw out to make inside jokes about futility or to scare small children ("Brush your teeth, Mikey, or Tony Pena, Jr will crawl in your window at night and drink your blood!")

He's already adept at sucking the life out of every at bat, sucking the life out of the team, and just plain sucking. So that's why Tony Pena, Jr. is our first entry on our First Annual All-Non-Star Team.

Attributes: .155 Avg, .176 OBP, .204 SLG %, 41 K, 5 BB, looking suspiciously like Nosferatu.

Our second Non-Star is Esteban German. The former super-sub is playing terribly on offense and defense this season.

Attributes: .213 Avg, .247 OBP, .250 SLG %, 4 E, countless double plays not turned, 57 bat flips. On the other hand, he hasn't tried to catch any fly balls with his face this year, so that's a plus.

Then there is Alberto Callaspo. He had already been arrested for domestic abuse when the Royals traded for him in the offseason. He added a DUI a few weeks ago when he got pulled over by Maple Woods Community College Police. The Royals responded by sending him off to AA. No, not the Northwest Arkansas Naturals. They sent him to Alcoholics Anonymous, somehow making him eligible for the Disabled List.

Attributes: GLUG GLUG, VROOM VROOM, THUMP THUMP.

Jeff Fulchino and Billy Butler are quite the pair of Non-Stars.

Attributes: Is it me, or did this team just get fatter?

Joey Gathright is fast. Faster than nearly every player in the majors (except maybe Emil Brown). And he can jump over pitchers and cars. These would be good attributes if he was a track star or a superhero. Unfortunately, to be a professional baseball player, you need more than wheels and ups. You need to be able to hit.

Attributes: .250 avg, .302 OBP, .267 SLG %, 3 extra-base hits, inability to listen when another fielder yells "I got it!"

International Non-Stars Hideo Nomo and Yasuhiko Yabuta have stunk up the Royals bullpen this season.

Attributes: Yabuta, making $6 million over this season and next, is sporting a 5.46 ERA and has doled out 17 walks compared to 20 strikeouts. Since being optioned to AAA, he hasn't done much better. Hideo Nomo is out of baseball, but just became the first man to give birth. He'll be on Oprah soon, so check your local listings.

Jimmy Gobble was one of KC's best relievers last season. That was until spring training, when he stepped on a cactus and got a huge thorn stuck underneath the toenail of his big toe. Ever since this incident, he has sucked. I'm not saying the two things are related. I'm just giving you the facts.

Attributes: 7.61 ERA, 1.82 WHIP, 16 BB's vs. 20 K's, 4 Wild Pitches, Ugly-Ass Feet

Just like the real All-Star game, some deserving players have to be slighted. So, apologies to Brett Tomko, John Bale, and Mark "Thug Life" Teahen.

You guys did your best to make the squad, but it was just too competetive and there were more deserving candidates.

And there you have it. Your 2008 All-Non-Star Team.

In case some of those statistics and images weren't disturbing enough for you, remember that Tony Pena, Jr. is always watching you...

Go Non-Stars! You're The Best!

The I-70 Series in Glorious 8-Bit Color Part 12: Die, Darkman, Die!!

2008-06-29T12:47:00.010-06:00

Before we get started, here is another RBI Baseball rom I've made featuring teams from 1980, the first season the Royals went to the World Series. Enjoy!

So things didn't go so well last night, and as I write this post, the Cards have just scored their third run on a pop-up the Mike Aviles misses because he is wearing neon orange sunglasses instead of, you know, something he can see out of.

Sigh.

So today I'm going retro. Instead of the 2008 Royals vs. the 2008 Cards, we're playing the 1985 version.

Why?

Why the hell not?

Let's do it.

Kansas City will start Bret Saberhagen against the Cards' John Tudor.

George Brett and Hal McRae reach in the first inning, but neither Steve Balboni nor current Fox Sports KC Royals Post-game show host Frank White can bring them in.

In the bottom of the first, Ozzie Smith singles and then steals second. But Saberhagen stifles the threat by striking out Tom Herr and Jack Clark.

Darryl Motley doubles to lead off the second. Lonnie Smith brings him home with a double of his own, making it Royals 1, Cards 0.

Unfortunately, Jim Sundberg comes up next and lines out to Tudor, who throws to second for the easy double play.

In the bottom of the second, Saberhagen is hitting the corners and striking guys out left and right, getting Terry Pendleton, Curt Ford and Tony "Nosotros Creemos" Pena, Sr. all swinging.

Both pitchers get through the third easily. This is beginning to look like a pitcher's duel.

In the fourth, Balboni leads off with a double. Then White flies out to left and Vince Coleman, pretending the ball is a firecracker, throws it to second to double off Balboni, ending the threat.

In the bottom half of the inning, Terry Pendleton doubles to left. When Curt Ford hits it to White at second base, he smartly guns down Pendleton trying to take third.

So maybe this isn't so much a pitcher's duel as an exhibition of really bad baserunning.

In any case, the Cards take out Tudor for no apparent reason, and Danny Cox comes in to pitch the fifth. Sundberg greets him with a single to left, but Saberhagen grounds into a very close double play. I thought the tie went to the runner, but I guess not in RBI Baseball.

Hal McRae leads off with a double in the sixth, and the Royals have their best chance to score since the first.

Balboni makes good with an RBI double to left, and the Royals are up 2-0.

White squanders a chance to extend the lead when he fouls out Jack Clark at first.

At least Balboni didn't get doubled off again. Motley hits a weak fly to right to end the inning, and the score remains the same.

In the bottom of the sixth, Saberhagen has slowed down a bit, but he still has enough to get Jack Clark to strike out on three pitches.

Later, George Brett fields one down the line from Willie McGee and throws all the way across the diamond to just barely get him at first.

WEB GEM!

Lonnie Smith legs out a triple to lead off the seventh, and the Royals are in business again. Jim Sundberg does the job with a slow grounder to second that brings Smith in.

Royals 3, Cardinals 0.

In the bottom of the inning, Curt Ford doubles to center, and it's time to take Sabes out.

Danny Jackson comes in to face Pena, who grounds out but moves the runner over to third. The Cards have Andy van Slyke pinch hit for Cox who drills one to short where the fielder (I guess Hal McRae? Onix Concepcion is on the bench and everyone else in the lineup has their own positions) boots it. Ford comes in to score and the Cards are on the board.

The inning ends when Jackson misses a drops a pop up from Ozzie Smith, but manages to throw van Slyke out at home.

With one out in the eighth, Brett doubles to center and Balboni follows that up with his second RBI double.

Jackson works a fairly uneventful eighth, getting Pendleton swinging to end the inning.

The Cards bring in Todd Worrell to start the ninth, and they have now officially used all of their pitchers. He gets the Royals 1-2-3, and now it's time to hand the ball over to Quisenberry to seal the victory.

He gives up a single, then gets Ford to pop up, and strikes out Worrell and Coleman to end the game.

BALLGAME.

And the Royals win in one of the most boring RBI Basball games I've ever played. Not even a home run by either team. What's worse is that the game didn't even glitch out once...

Oh well.

So if you're keeping track, that give the Royals a sweep of this 8-bit series, with two wins by the '08 version and one by the '85 version.

And it looks like in real life, the Cards are gonna take 2 of 3.

Big picture though: KC won the season series no matter how today's game plays out.

And that certainly deserves a hearty,

Go Royals! You're The Best!

The I-70 Series in Glorious 8-Bit Color Part 5: A New Beginning

2008-06-28T16:44:00.024-06:00

First of all, to show you I'm a man of my word, here is another RBI Baseball rom for you fanatics. It's a 1985 version made by me. I tried to figure out how to get Springsteen's "Glory Days" to play instead of the regular music, but couldn't get it figured out. Be thankful, because that probably would have been pretty annoying, anyway.

The Royals lived up to my simulation last night, destroying the Cardinals 7-2 and it wasn't even as close as the score.

The Cardinals announcers are fond of saying that this is like our World Series. They say that, because they like to flatter themselves. They like to think that St. Louis is the center of the universe, as opposed to just another city in fly-over country like the rest of us.

You know what would be "like our World Series"?

If we were in the World Series.

This doesn't really compare in any way.

This is just another series against a team we don't like very much.

It's really not that different than when the Yankees come to town.

In fact, for this Royals fan, playing the Cardinals is not my World Series. The Royals playing the Cardinals is like RBI Baseball. So there.

Here's Game Two:

Zack Greinke will start against Braden "Burning Flies" Looper.

BBLL gets the Royals 1-2-3 in the first, including a strike out of Alex Gordon.

Conversely, Skippy Schumaker gets an infield single to start the game for St. Louis.

Greinke gets Miles to line out, but Albert Pujols, the *ahem* starting Albert Pujols, drives the first pitch over the right-field seats to quickly make it 2-0, Cards.

In the second, the Royals go three up, three down again. Not good, KC. Not good.
But Greinke matches that in the bottom half of the inning.

In the third, John Buck leads off with a single to break up Looper's no-no. Gload then hits a double-play ball, but beats it out for the fielder-s choice. Greinke is up next and we all know how much he likes to hit. He drills one right at first baseman Chris Duncan who makes the catch. Instead of stepping on first for the easy double play, he inexplicaply launches the ball into center field, where it gets all the way to the wall.

Luckily for the Cards, Gload has to tag up and only makes it to second. DeJesus lines out to first on the next pitch. Since it is the third out, it doesn't really matter than Duncan throws this one into centerfield, too.

In the bottom half of the inning, things are going well until Pujols comes up.

Yep, a solo shot to center. Pujols 3, Royals 0.

With one out in the fourth, Alex Gordon hits one up the middle and ends up on third.

It looks like the Royals finally have a chance to score.

And they do, when Guillen hits a triple himself. Pujols 3, Royals 1.

Grudzielanek comes up next and has a veteran at-bat, grounding out to the right side of the field, bringing Guillen home.

In the bottom half, Cesar Izturis gets a single and promptly steals second. With two outs, Glaus pinch hits for Looper. This move makes no sense, espcially in the fourth inning. Especially with Looper doing a pretty damn good job so far and owning the lead over a team that scored fifteen runs the night before. But hey, I guess Looper probably didn't want to get a win. He's inelegible now.

Of course, it turns out to be the right move. Glaus jacks one out to left.

If it doesn't make sense in real baseball, it must be perfect strategy in RBI Baseball.

But let's hope going to the bullpen early bites the Cards in the ass.

Kyle Lohse comes out to pitch the fifth. And my theory about the bullpen gets shot to hell when he gets KC 1-2-3.

Things are looking bleak, Royals fans.

Pujols leads off the sixth for St. Louis, and I'm pretty sure we're going to see Albert hit his third homer of the game.

But I'm wrong, yet again. Are you sensing a theme? Greinke has slowed down considerably, and his 60 mph fastballs are finally working against the Cards. Again, RBI strategy does not equal MLB strategy. But I'll take it. He strikes out Pujols on three straight slow-pitch balls.

It's the sixth, and it's a little early for the rally caps, but I suggest those Royals fans that are reading fashion some sort of crude head covering from your underwear or a bird's nest or something. Our 8-bit Royals need all the help they can get.

And DeJesus delivers with a leadoff double! Mike Aviles comes up and takes the first pitch through the left side of the infield, scoring DeJesus. Schumaker gets the ball in left and throws towards third where no one is covering.

The ball goes to the backstop and when it's all said and done, Aviles is on third and the Royals are within two.

Alex Gordon follows that up with a triple, and the Royals are only down by run now.

Of course, on the next pitch, Guillen lines out to Lohse, who doubles Gordon off third. Rally killer?

Nope, Grudzielanek triples. Then Mark Teahen hits one to the pitcher, who throws home. Grudzielanek heads back to third and makes it. Meanwhile, Teahen has taken off for second and he makes it, too. Runners on second and third with two outs. And John Buck at the plate.

He rips one over Ankiel's head in center, and suddenly it's a tie ballgame! The Royals would be up if their basrunning was better. Teahen was two feet from home before turning around and running back to third for no reason.

Ross Gload keeps it going with a roller down the left-field line, bringing in two more and giving the Royals a 7-5 lead.

Thanks for putting bird's nests on your heads, people. You can take them off now.

Greinke is up next and suddenly he's in line to be the winning pitcher. As much as he'd like to bat, now's as good a time as any to take him out. Miguel Olivo will pinch hit.

And he lines one! But right at Schumaker.

In any case, Royals 7, Cards 5.

Bannister comes in to pitch in the bottom of the inning. After getting one of the cathing Molina's and Ludwick, up comes Lohse, who just gave up five runs and the lead. They don't pinch hit here, and maybe the Glaus-for-Looper move has come back to bite them in the ass. Lohse strikes out on three pitches.

Not much happens in the seventh, except for this beautiful grab against the screen by one of the Catching Molina Boys.

WEB GEM!

In the bottom half, Bannister keeps painting the corners and gets the Cards 1-2-3.

It's the eighth, and the Cards bring in yesterday's losing pitcher, Todd Wellemeyer. On his first pitch, Guillen shoots a double into right. On his second pitch, Mark Grudzielanek hits a single. Runners at the corners.

On the third pitch, Mark Teahen lines out to Aaron Miles, who throws to Glaus at third who throws to Duncan at first for the 4-5-3 TRIPLE PLAY.

Yeah.

That was embarrassing.

Okay, onto the bottom of the eighth.

Bannister is still dealing.

Desperate times call for desperate measurs, and that means Jason LaRue pinch hitting for Ryan Ludwick.

He lines out to Aviles and we're onto the ninth. Isringhausen comes in and easily takes down the bottom third of the Royals order.

Bannister stays in for the ninth, hoping for the long save. He strikes out Isringhausen and Schumaker, then gives up a single to Miles to make it interesting. That brings up Pujols with a chance to tie it. He has two homers and two strikeouts, and it's anyone's guess which Pujols will be at the plate for this at bat.

And the Royals win Game Two! Out-homered three to none, and they still pulled it out. Just a great, come-from-behind victory for our 8-bit boys in blue.

So that's Royals 2, Cards 0 in this completely fake series brought to you by a Nintendo game from the mid-1980's.

Let's hope they get their seventh straight win tonight.

Go Royals! You're The Best!

The I-70 Series in Glorious 8-Bit Color Part IV: The Quest For Peace

2008-06-27T13:48:00.004-06:00

It's that time of year again. The I-70 Series. And what better way to honor it than to play a mock version of it on a video game that came out twenty-three years ago?

I've updated the game for 2008 with current rosters and it is available to download, if you'd like a copy of it. Remember, you need a good NES emulator to play the game.

So here we go!

The I-70 Series!

The Rockies start Jeff Francis and the Royals will go with Gil Meche.

I'm just kidding. Nobody cares about that I-70 Series.

We're talking Royals-Cards.

First some brief explanations.

1) The Royals may be the home team, but to play the computer on this game, you have to be the away team. The technology wasn't quite up to letting the human player be home field.

2) There is no DH. Again, technology.

3) Because of this, I'm going to be a jerk for this first game and not let the Cards start Albert Pujols. He's coming back from injury for real tonight, but will probably be the DH, so nuts to him. If he does start in the field, well, nuts to him anyway. I want to win the first one at least.

In Game One, the Royals will start Gil Meche vs. the Cardinals' Todd Wellemeyer.

Remember him? People in KC used to call him Smellemeyer? Well, he smells no more. He's been a pretty good pitcher since going to the National League, but as the Royals have proven this season, the National League is pretty terrible.

So let's get going!

Oh, how I'd missed that beautiful music.

Dun-dun-dun-dun-duh Dun-dun-dun-dun-duh Dun-duh!

David DeJesus leads off, swinging at two outside pitches like a damned fool. Wellemeyer comes inside on his third pitch and DeJesus dumps it into left field. When Schumaker throws to second, DeJesus decides to take third, just to be a jerk. Leadoff triple and this game is looking good already.

Next up is Mike Aviles. First pitch swinging and he takes a fastball over the lights in left field. Royals up 2-0 after four pitches by Wellemeyer.

Alex Gordon gets down 0-2 and then shoots one into the right field corner for a stand up double.

Then Jose Guillen's up and he hits a line drive just over the wall in left to put the Royals up 4-0.

Perhaps when I programmed Wellemeyer I was a little too vindictive about his success after leaving KC. Maybe I should scrap this version, make him a little better and start all over.

Eh, you know what?

I don't care.

With the way the Royals are playing right now, this isn't all that improbable. Fourth Place, baby!

Mark Grudzielanek comes up and hits a grounder past shortstop Cesar Izturis. Grudz tries to stretch a double into a triple and he's meat at third. First out.

Of course, Mark Teahen hits a triple just after, meaning that running error costs KC a run.

Wellemeyer finally figures out how to pitch (or perhaps forgets how to entirely) and Miguel Olivo swings at three straight pitches in the dirt. Grudz's blunder really does cost the team when Gload flies out to left. Inning over.

Skip Schumaker leads off the bottom of the first.

Wait... "Skip"?

Seriously?

Anyway, he grounds out to first where Gload takes it to the base unassisted. I'll be honest; I was fully prepared to see throw it into the stands, but he managed to do the right thing.

Next, Aaron Miles hits a slow roller to Aviles and beats the throw for an infield hit.

Then, Ryan Ludwick hits a blooper to left. Miles was dragging ass to second and Guillen gets the assist.

Batting cleanup, Rick Ankiel! Yeeeeeeeeahhhhh, booooooyyyy!

And he goes down swinging to end the inning.

Meche leads off the second and somehow gets a dribbler between Miles and Chris Duncan on the right side for a single.

On the first pitch to DeJesus, Meche takes off for second and is in! Meche steals a base! And he isn't wearing the gay windbreaker like most pitchers!

Of course, he tries to take third on the next pitch and is out by a mile. Then, DeJesus hits a triple and Meche just cost himself a run.

Aviles up next and he drives one to left. It looks gone!

But it isn't. It's caught. And there's DeJesus standing on home plate. For some reason, nothing, not a thing in the world, can get him off of home. He won't run back to third. Or even back to the dugout. He just stands there while Schumaker throws it to third for the easy double play. Inning over.

Meche gets a 1-2-3 second. The inning ends with Cesar Izturis popping out to Meche. The second Meche catches the ball, Izturis disappears. Just vanishes off the face of the earth.

Gordon leads off the third with a homer just inside the right foul pole to put the Royals up 5-0.

After the next two hitters get out, Teahen comes up and bunts. Wellemeyer chases it all the way to the outfield, and Ryan Ludwick in right decides to run away from the ball and into the wall. When the ball eventually gets to Ludwick, Teahen has already scored on an inside-the-park home run.

That should make it on TWIB.

Meche gets another 1-2-3 in the third, striking out two, one of those being Wellemeyer, who La Russa inexplicaply lets bat, even with Pujols on the bench.

In the fourth, keeping the exhausted Wellemeyer in the game has paid off, as he strikes out both Gload and Meche with 51 mph fastballs. But DeJesus can handle the slow pitches, and he takes one down the left field line for a double. When Wellemeyer goes to an offspeed pitch (39 mph) to start off Aviles, DeJesus steals third easily.

On the next pitch, Aviles hits a double, making it 7-0 KC.

Wellemeyer gets even slower. Here he is with a 35 mph fastball to Gordon. Gordon lays off, but gets the timing down.

On the next pitch, he hammers it out of the stadium for a two-run homer. Royals 9, Wellemeyer 0.

In the bottom of the fourth, Meche is still bringing the heat with 82 mph fastballs. He strikes out Ankiel for the second time.

Then he gets into trouble. With a runner on, he walks Troy Glaus. The next batter pops up to short center and Aviles heads out to get it. Just before he does, everyone disappears. The players, the ball the field. It's all just green. Like the stadium has turned back into the cow pasture it used to be.

When everything comes back, Kyle Lohse is pitching for the Cards against Ross Gload, and I have no idea what the hell happened. I guess Aviles made the catch, because it is still 9-0 Royals.

Lohse is pitching faster, but not doing any better. Gload gets a double and then Meche (Gil Freaking Meche!) triples, making it 10-0 Royals. I'm starting to think the Royals should just get rid of the DH.

Next up is David DeJesus, who hits an inside-the-park home run when the outfielder throws to third instead of home. It wasn't even close.

Lohse gets himself together and strikes out Aviles and Gordon to end the inning.

Meche is getting tired. He walks Izturis and gives up a single to Lohse. Miles drives in a run on an infield single. I wonder if this small ball strategy is gonna work for the Cards. They are only down by eleven now.

Then, disaster strikes. Ludwick pops up to second, Grudz overruns it, and chaos ensues. A three-run inside-the-park job, and suddenly this isn't so funny anymore.

To make it worse, the Royals do nothing in the top of the sixth. It's time to take Meche out, and Bannister comes in to start the bottom half of the inning. He proceeds to strike out Glaus on a breaking ball in the dirt and get the next two men on ground outs.

Bannister comes up to bat to lead off the seventh and grounds out himself. DeJesus drives a pitch to the wall, but Schumaker makes a spectacular catch using only the back of his freaking head.

WEB GEM!

In the bottom of the inning, La Russa finally gets wise and has Pujols hit for Lohse.

He immediately doubles.

Luckily, the next two hitters are NOT Albert Pujols, and they both strike out.

Looper comes in and the Royals go down 1-2-3 in the eighth.

Bannister does Looper even better in the bottom half, getting the Cards 1-2-3 and striking out the side, throwing nothing but junk pitches.

That's five straight K's for Bannister.

In the ninth, Isringhausen comes in. He gets pinch hitter John Buck on a fly ball. But then Gload triples. Bannister is up next, but Gathright pinch hits instead. It looks bad when he hits it right to Schumaker. But this one hits him in the face. Apparently that doesn't catch balls as easily as the back of his head. Gload almost scores, but turns around and runs back to the third when it looks like the ball will be caught. Gathright ends up on second.

On the next pitch, DeJesus triples for the third time in the game, and the Royals get some insurance runs. KC 14, St. Louis 4.

Then Aviles grounds out and DeJesus scores to make it 15-4.

Soria comes in to close it out, but the first hitter reaches when Grudz bobbles a ground and then throws to third base for some reason.

After a strikeout, La Russa does the unthinkable. He brings in Jason La Rue to pinch hit! You gotta wonder if Tony has started his post game drinking binge a little early tonight.

But it works... Soria is so rattled by Jason Larue that he walks him.

It's up to Isringhausen to hit an eleven run homer and tie this game.

He doesn't do that, but he does he a blooper to right, loading the bases for Schumaker. Soria apparently doesn't know how to perform in a non-save situation. Time to go to Greinke.

Schumaker hits a sac fly to right to make it 15-5. And now the Royals are just one out from the win.

And he strikes out Miles to end the game!

Just look at these totals.

How many of those strikeouts were Rick Ankiel?

Game One of the 8-bit series goes to the Kan City Royals! Let's hope the real Royals can do it tonight.

I'll be back tomorrow with Game Two. I'll go ahead and make Pujols a regular, because this wasn't competitive at all.

And if you find this boring or stupid, well then the hell with you.

Come back tomorrow anyway because I'll have a 1985 version of the game with the Royals available to download, and on Sunday I'll have a 1980 version of the game available to download. Consider them a worthwhile bonus for putting up with these worthless posts.

Go Royals! You're The Best!

Now why don't he write?

2008-06-24T08:18:00.013-06:00

Royales With Cheese is officially back from hiatus. Aside from the sad news previously mentioned, we've been dealing with our house flooding during what news departments all across Iowa have cleverly dubbed FLOODS OF '08.

We had about four feet of water downstairs, which is nothing compared to what a lot of what folks across the state had to deal with. But you know what? It still sucked.

Anywho, I've missed a lot. From the terrifying lows of a twelve-game losing streak to the dizzying heights of winning eight of nine, including a three game sweep in St. Louis. Well, I haven't really missed them. I've been paying attention. I just didn't get a chance to write about them.

Too much of the past few weeks will join the pantheon of almost-posts I've failed to make over the last couple of years. So you'll never get to see the Jose Guillen-inspired parody of Muppet Babies about the Royals (trust me, it would have been much funnier than that Lil Bush crap on Comedy Central); or the ill-advised-but-I-was-really-planning-on-doing-it post likening Mike Aviles to the second coming of a certain religious savior, complete with a beautiful portrait of our favorite shortstop with an ominous glow and sunbeams emitting from his head (you know, because blasphemy can be pretty damn funny); or my post on the Brief and Frightening Reign of Jeff Fulchino, chock full of literary references to George Saunders (which I doubt anyone would have gotten).

And no, you'll never see the obligatory Angel Berroa "Shitcanned!" post, though if anyone deserved an obligatory "Shitcanned!" post, it was that dude.

You know what?

Screw it, let's do it anyway:

Ahh, I feel better.

Now I know that technically he was traded to the Dodgers, so he wasn't exactly shitcanned per se, but it feels good to see his head in the toilet.

But really, it's not like he was fired.

It's more like a dumb kid working at Wendy's. They don't want to fire him because his father-in-law is the drive thru guy. So they'll move him off the register to the fryer. And then when he sucks at that, they'll move him to bathroom clean-up. And then when he sucks at that, they'll move him to refilling the straws and napkins and emptying the trash.

And hey, he kicks ass at that job. He's the best straw and napkin refiller and trash emptier Wendy's has had in a long time. But they know he'll never be back with them at the fryer or register. It's okay, because he's pretty easy to ignore over there.

Then one day, out of the blue, the kid goes up to the boss and says 7/11 wants him for the graveyard shift. Working the register, putting hot dogs and burritos in the warmer, the whole shebang. Well, Wendy's doesn't hold anything against the kid, and it's a decent shot that they would have never given him, so they let him go.

They are positive he won't make 7/11 any better, and besides, the nearest one is 1600 miles away and the two places are rarely competing.

It really isn't that big of a deal. Wendy's can always get someone to take over the kid's old job. There's always another dumb kid.

In fact, this Tony Pena, Jr. would probably like to get some more hours.

And scene.

...

What the hell was all that? I think the analogy got away from me.

The point is...

Uh, what was my point?

Right.

The point is, don't be surprised if someday you see Angel Berroa working at a gas station, or Tony Pena, Jr. working at Wendy's.

You know...

because they suck.

Alright, that's it for today.

I don't want to overextend myself after being away for so long.

But don't worry.

I'll be back with a flurry of posts this week, including several featuring a certain baseball team playing another certain baseball team in beautiful 8-bit color.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

If They Mutated...

2008-05-29T16:47:00.003-06:00

It has been nine days since the last Royales with Cheese post. The Royals have not won in that span.

They made it ten straight losses last night by blowing a five-run lead in the ninth inning.

As if I need to tell you.

So let's talk about something else, shall we?

How about last night's Omaha Royals game?

They didn't lose.

They also didn't play the whole game.

There was an ACID LEAK around Rosenblatt Stadium.

ACID.

LEAKING.

FROM A RAIL CAR.

After the fourth inning, they evacuated the stadium.

EVACUATED THE STADIUM.

BECAUSE OF ACID.

And they had to postpone the game.

Also, nearby homes and businesses had to be evacuated. That includes the Zoo.

BECAUSE THERE WAS AN ACID LEAK.

The car held 100 gallons of Hydrochloric acid. The leak area covered a stretch seventy-five feet long and ten feet wide.

I have to say, I am disgusted by this. To think that you would have all this acid leaking that close to homes and baseball games and the zoo. And nobody did the sensible thing when it happened.

You know, nobody went for a swim.

IN THE ACID.

Which is stupid, because if movies and comic books and Timothy Leary have taught me anything, it's that acid can do wonderful things to you.

EXAMPLE #1: Two-Face
EXAMPLE #2: Darkman
EXAMPLE #3: The Joker
EXAMPLE #4: Those hippie bikers in Easy Rider (before the rednecks off them, of course)

This was the opportunity of a lifetime. You've got some minor league ballplayers and you've got some zoo animals and you've got a shitload of acid; why in the hell wouldn't you try to do something with that?

Animorph those bastards and get them up here in the big leagues.

The show.

No, the FREAK SHOW.

Even if they still suck, at least there are some freaks to look at.

Just imagine the possibilities.

It seems rather obvious that Brandon Duckworth would be mixed with a duck to become and anthropomorphic duck. And I'm not very creative, so let's go ahead and do that.

Brandon Duckworth + A Duck =

As a bonus, he could pull down some extra bucks as the new AFLAC spokesman.

Angel Berroa became a millionaire being the worst ballplayer on the worst team. He's a punchline to a joke, now.

Let's do him a favor, shall we?

Let's hook his ass up with a whooping crane.

These birds have enormous wings and, well, they have enormous wings. I bet he'd be able to get to a few more high choppers with those bad boys. Probably wouldn't help him with his hitting any, but I'm having problems coming up with an animal that would help Angel with that aspect of his game...

So let's see it.

Angel Berroa + A Whooping Crane =

In any case, he'd make a strong case for a new Touched By An Angel TV movie. It would be a comeback for Della Reese and that Irish chick with the stupid bangs, too.

Roberto Giron has been piss poor out of Omaha's bullpen this year. As a 32-year-old minor league reliever, there isn't much hope for him contributing to a big league club. So we might as well turn him into a giraffe. Give the kids something to ride between innings, am I right?

Here we go.

Roberto Giron + A Giraffe =

Not bad at all.

Dave Matranga is a sad story. He's been in baseball for nearly ten years. He posted good numbers in the Astros minor league system and homered in his major league debut for that team in 2003, but he was back in Double A in 2004. He spent 2005 in the minors too, apart from a lone appearance as a defensive replacement for the Angels. And now, he finds himself in the Royals organization. Sad, right?

Well, being drenched in acid should help raise his spirits!

Dave Matranga + An Orangutan =

Yeah, he actually looked like a hairless orangutan even before the mutation. I say we got ourselves a new nickname: The Matrangutan!

The jokes write themselves...

The Matrangutan's batting music is "Monkey Man" by the Rolling Stones.

The Matrangutan's favorite movie is Dunston Checks In.

The Matrangutan's dream of being a ballplayer has been all for naught, but don't tell him or he'll fling his poop at you.

And so on.

Alright, I'm tired of doing set-ups. You know this next guy anyway.

Ryan Shealy + A Seal =

Ugh, what a hideous freak!

Go Royals! You're The Best!

No Shit

2008-05-20T07:36:00.008-06:00

Something must be done.

We, as Royals fans, need to make sure this isn't the highpoint of Jon Lester's career.

He's a great story. I could tell you all about his life up until this point, but I'm sure ESPN won't shut the hell up about this kid, well, for the rest of the season, at least. I won't bother you with his story when we will all have every detail memorized after the 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 and 11 o'clock Sportscenters today, not to mention shout outs from that ugly guy on that one show and that douchebag on that other show. Fill in the blanks with your most-hated ESPN personalities. I don't have time to single any of them out right now. And how likely is it this game moves into rotation on ESPN Classic so we can experience it over and over? It's probably already been scheduled to re-air this week.

Don't forget the reports from the non-sports entities. It's just too good of a story. Get ready to be mocked openly in national newspapers and magazines and late-night talk shows. If you thought the disrespect was hard to stomach before, holy hell, you're in for it now.

Mercifully, we might stop hearing about this near the end of summer, when we enter the Great Depression II: Electric Boogaloo and the U.S. begins to eerily follow the plot of The Road Warrior, complete with feral children and high speed pursuits with Mel Gibson. We can only hope for such a diversion.

But you know what will be even worse than the humiliation of last night's game?

If that was Jon Lester's highpoint. No matter how annoying the coverage and jokes and everything else will be, we must now root for Jon Lester even more. He must be the next great pitcher. Now, I'm not saying you or I or anyone in this country that knows who he is wasn't already rooting for him. You put that C on your jersey and even people who hate the Red Sox are going to fall over themselves with respect and admiration for you. And he deserves it. No doubt.

But if he fades into obscurity after this, and it is not uncommon for no-hit pitchers to one day be no-fame pitchers, we're boned.

Because, inevitably, no matter how the rest of his career pans out, we will see a movie about this guy. I mean, there was a damn movie about that guy who pitched for the Devil Rays, and he was just old! You swap out old guy for cancer, and you not only get the baseball fans but the Beaches fans as well, and that's a recipe for Hollywood success.

We want him to be great because we don't want this no-hitter to be the climax of the film. We don't want there to be all this buildup, this great story, this Brian's Song with a happy ending, to lead to a nice long bit showing him winning the World Series (a team triumph) and then a 30-45 minute finale of Lester shaming the Royals (a personal triumph). Roll credits, play "Where Is My Mind?" by the Pixies, thunderous applause from the audience.

But if he goes on to have a great career, and I'm thinking along the lines of Nolan Ryan or Sandy Koufax or Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown, then this game will be nothing more than a two or three minute montage to the strains of some derivative John Williams score or even worse, "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond. Maybe Scoresese will tackle another bio-pic; if so, expect liberal use of "Gimme Shelter" and "Shipping Up To Boston."

Let's get back to the point. We can't just root for this guy as people any more. We have to root for him as Royals fans as well. We want him to be a great pitcher, or the greatest pitcher, from this point on.

Just think, if he throws a few no-hitters, maybe strikes out twenty in a game at some point, wins three or four more World Series, then last night might only garner 15 or 30 seconds of a montage in the film! Or it could get left out entirely! Maybe the prop department thinks A's uniforms look better on film? Oh dear God, please let the prop department think A's uniforms look better on film! And then we're in the clear!

I know this is maybe the most selfish post I've ever written, but I don't care. If Lester shits the bed and never does anything else, Royals fans will be enduring this game over and over forever. It won't just be a blip in the team's magical 2008 pennant run. It will be something we'll have to be publicly shamed by, like Padres fans with The Kid From Left Field, or John Goodman with Babe, or Cubs fans with, uh, the Cubs.

Go Jon Lester! You're the Best!

The Flim Flam Film Fan Man

2008-05-08T15:45:00.007-06:00

Our first Emil Brown post this week received the following comment from Anonymous:

"Does that mean that after this week, we have to wait a whole year to make fun of Emil Brown again?"

Absolutely not, Anonymous.

In fact, our First Annual Emil Brown Week may even last two weeks. Or four. Or the rest of the summer.

That, of course, would be in keeping with the way Emil keeps track of time (he's faster than Joey Gathright! he didn't have any sort of career until he was 30--and he isn't a doctor!).

Hell, I might just change the name of this blog and do it forever.

The point is, the well will never run dry.

And there's no well deeper than Emil's inability to write movie reviews.

In fact (surprise, surprise), we managed to find some.

And by some, I mean seven.

We found seven movie reviews.

So here goes!

The Crash (2004)

I love this movie because everyone is racist! There are white cops and they are racist and this person hates Mexicans in it too and the actors are people like the guy from The Bedazzled and the girl from The Speed. This movie is so good because it has Ludacris and Tony Danza in it! I didn't get the movie until I came to Oakland but California is like Hell out here with all these people who hate each other so I get the point of it all now and I like it even more now because Oakland is even worse than the LA in this movie! This movie should have been here! There was another movie called The Crash that was real good where lesbians have sex on a car and I think there was another one called The Crash with The Clueless chick being crazy and stalking the guy from The Robbing Hood The Prince of Tights and it was awesome too. Why so many The Crashes? Come on Hollywood!

The Superbad (2007)

Oh my god, The Superbad was Superbadass! There was this part where the kid is McLoving and then a part where the cops are shotting signs and they cockblock McLoving even though the girl can't feel him inside of her! I was like, oh no, this is some funny shit in this one. It is like The American Pie but more good because it has more crazy stuff in it and they say the F word so much and the one kid draws these penises! It was messed up! I loved it.

The Donnie Darko (2001)

The Donnie Darko blew my mind! He gets hit by a jet engine to keep a rabbit from killing his girlfriend on a beer run! WTF! I watch this over and over and make people watch it even after they tell me how it doesn't make sense but I don't care because I like the part when Patrick Swayze is a pedder file it is in tents and the Sparkle Motion shit is funny and I miss High School so much! There is some stunt casting though because why would Drew Barrymore be a teacher when there is no Adam Sandler in teh movie to whine about likeing her? But this shit is a crazy movie anyway! Four Stars!

The M (1931)

I watched this one because I thought it was going to be a document terrier on my favorite letter. In case your slow I mean the letter M, duh! My favorite words start with M, like mustard and million and muff! But this was a story movie and it was black and white and the sound was weird because it was old, it sounded like there was rain going on all the time but there was no rain going on when I watched it! It is old as hell but the story is this guy who didn't speak English and he gives balloons to kids and kills them or something. Kind of like Stephen King's The It only real stupid instead of awesome! But like I said he doesn't speak English and nobody spoke English in The M so you have to read when you watch this thing too! Come on! So stupid!

I Am The Legand (2007)

Fresh Prince sends out these radio signals and hunts during the day with a dog and he is looking for survivals but then vampires show up at night so you know why he is out at day and not knight. He kills some of them and some survivals do show up. The dog dies and later the showdown happens and he saves everyone and it was cool seeing the deer get attacked in the New York street even though you could tell it was real fake! I say go watch it becuase their is also a good part where DJ Jazzy Jeff talks to these mannecuinnes and I thought he was crazy when he did that! This was a good one and I never new what what was going on in this one!

The Psycho (1960)

If you can find it watch the color one that came out with the guy from The Wedding Crashers and the girl who was a lesbian for a while but isn't on movies any more! This black and white one is okay but the music is loud and nothing happens forever and so that gets boring with no red or blues or greens or anything and the only good part about it is back then they wore those cone bras. I like those cone bras! Not like the Madonna ones but the round pointy ones from the old times. But they only look good when they are under a sweater or whatever because when you just see the girl in that bra she might as well be in straght jacket! But there is a part a real good part about this movie when she is in the shower! She gets stabbed but it is still kind of hot! In the color one the guy beats off! Me too!

The Speed Racer (2008)

I haven't seen this one yet because it's not out yet but when it comes out you can bet I will see it! On the e-surence commercials with the cartoon chick in the black they show some of this movie and in what they show it looks like if I was inside of a pinball machine, flying around with streaks of light going around and it's so good on the TV I bet it's two or three or four times as wild at a movie theater. But it's better then a pinball game even because it is computer made stuff instead of flippers and bells and lights! You now what? It's like inside of a video game with all the graphics that are even better than the real life! It's gonna be good because you don't get to go to a show that feels like a game in a movie even with the movies that are from games, like The Doom and The Super Mario Brothers SuperShow and The Brainscan and The Wheel Of Fortune 2.0 Macintosh Computer Game Movie. I predict this is the best movie base on The Speed Racer Show ever! Plus it has the dad from The Coyote Ugly! Roseanne's husband Dan! And a monkey? I hope so! I'll see you there!

Thanks for reading my reviews! The balcony is close!

Go Royals! You're the Best!

It feels like Christmas around here.

2008-05-05T20:56:00.003-06:00

There's magic in the air. Do you know why?

This week is our 1ST ANNUAL EMIL BROWN WEEK at Royales With Cheese.

All week (possibly two or three posts!) we will be ridiculing former Royals RBI Leader (and current Oakland A's RBI Leader) Emil Brown.

Congratulations, John Bale! You picked a good week to punch a door.

Our favorite movie reviewer's stock is at an all time high: Dipshits everywhere are dropping David Ortiz from their fantasy teams and picking him up, sportswriters are getting untold mileage out of the headline "What Can Brown Do For You?" and Emil is getting free hummers from the not-so-elegant ladies at Elegant Nubian Escorts.

So let's bring him down a peg or two, shall we?

We'll go easy with this first post, since we know Brown will need someone to help him read this.

Here goes...

Now we all know (and if we didn't already, those sportswriters have made it a point to tell us over and over) that you can't spell EMIL BROWN without RBI.

Sure, you're probably thinking. Clever.

He does have RBI in his name.

How about that?

But you may be disturbed to find out what else lurks within the name of EMIL BROWN.

Shall we explore?

LONER
OMEN
BONE
WINO
BLEW
WORM
BOIL
LENO
BORE
BELOW
LEMON
ELMO
NORM
LOWER
BRINE
WOMB
MEOW
EMBROIL
BLOW
BONER
BLOWN
LIMBO
MELON
BLOWER
LOIN
BOWEL
BLEW RIM
RIM BLOWN
LIMB OWNER
BROWN MILE
WOMB LINER
BLOW MINER

And, the coup de grâce:

BLEW MINOR

Hi-yo!

Go Royals! You're the Best!

It's getting ugly out there.

2008-04-22T23:25:00.002-06:00

Listen, I'm as excited as anybody about the upgrades being made to Kauffman Stadium. I got to see some of the changes firsthand when I went to the Royals-Twins snoozefest a couple Saturdays ago.

I endured insanely constant gusts of wind in my face. I endured freezing rain. I endured tiny concourses. I endured Boulevard Pale Ales at $6.25 a pop. I endured two anemic offenses. I endured the Royals choosing to wear white pants with powder blue jerseys.

But I gotta say (as if the constant stream of bitching above didn't tip you off), this was not my best experience out at the K. Probably not in the top, oh, fifty. And that includes a five-hour 14-inning game a few years ago where I got so sunburned I pissed ultraviolet rays for the next two months.

No, this wasn't as good as that.

It wasn't that I didn't get a powder-blue jersey. I did. And I've even vomited while wearing it already, so there's no way it's going on ebay.

And it wasn't the aforementioned weather or lack of offense or even the bizarre uniform decisions by the Royals (seriously, the only thing worse than white pants would be if they had chosen the Chiefs' red pants).

And it wasn't even that Sluggerrr shook his head when I asked him politely for a hug. Though, I wouldn't mind if Rudyard Kipling showed up with an elephant gun and blasted his ass back to Narnia. I know I'm mixing literary references, and I don't care.

Anyway, it wasn't any of those things.

What was it, you ask?

It was those damn hills of dirt just past the outfield.

Look at that.

Why don't they do something about that?

It's fugly as hell.

It looks like James Earl Jones and a vicious junk-yard dog live back there.

It looks like where they shot Ishtar.

It looks...

It looks...

It looks like shit.

There, I said it.

It looks terrible.

And we're all just ignoring it.

Like it isn't there.

But it is.

It's right there!

So, solutions.

I'm an ideas man. I've got big ideas. Like Willie Nelson's reggae album. That one was mine. Also, the war in Iraq. I know, I know. Hindsight is 20/20. Uh, also, and hell, I know you'll never forgive me for this one; it was me who convinced Dayton Moore to sign Hideo Nomo. Honestly, I've had that "Nomo as Juno" gag ready since last summer, and the guy owed me. I'm not proud of it, and I'm just glad it's over with.

Anyway, three big ideas for the dirt piles out there:

1) Screw this Garth Brooks crap in the sixth inning. Let's embrace some real country music. I'm talking about the surviving members (member?) of Nitty Gritty Dirt Band putting on a concert every game.

They'll play all the classics!

Mr. Bojangles!

Honky Tonk Blues!

Uh...

Mr. Bojangles!!

YEAH!

2) Courtney Cox stands out there telling hackneyed jokes about Paris Hilton and Britney Spears! Hey, more people will see it than the idiots who tune into FX for anything other than It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia or reruns of King of the Hill.

and finally....

3) Six words: Ironman Ivan Stewart's Super Off Road!

Go Royals! 151-11! You're the Best!

Moldy Peaches

2008-04-16T06:16:00.007-06:00

So what if he hadn't pitched since 2005?

So what if he's 39 years old?

So what if he had career-ending elbow surgery in 2006?

Dayton Moore stockpiles pitchers like I hide liquor around the house. Old, new, good, bad? It doesn't matter; the more booze, uh, I mean pitching, the better.

And Moore came right out and admitted it back in Spring Training. Nomo is here to help Yasuhiko Yabuta get acclimated to the majors.

I guess Pedro Cerrano wasn't available to help. Those All-State commercials probably pay better.

In any case, the experiment and wasted roster spot need to be forgotten.

His line so far: 4 IP, 13.50 ERA, 2.75 WHIP, 6 Runs, 7 Hits, 4 BB, and a .389 BAA.

That is bad.

Lima Time bad.

Darrel May bad.

Odalis Perez bad.

Chris Haney bad.

Allen McDill bad.

Jason Jacome bad.

Brad Rigby bad.

Runelvys Hern-- well, you probably get the idea.

The Royals have had more bad pitching than good pitching in recent years. Much more bad pitching than good. The ratio is astronomical, in fact.

I guess we can give Dayton a pass on this one, just maybe, since the staff has improved so much over the past couple of seasons. Hello legitimate Cy Young candidates Zack Greinke and Brian Bannister!

And I guess Allard Baird wouldn't have even gotten a "name" guy like Hideo Nomo. Though I wouldn't have minded seeing Mac Suzuki in a powder blue jersey and I'd be willing to bet he could manage a sub-10.00 ERA.

But the point is, the Royals are looking competitive this year, and there really is no reason to employ a guy like Nomo.

Sorry Nomo, but I'm hoping this whole ordeal ends with Moore acquiring "Anyone Else But You."

Go Royals! 156-6! You're the Best!

Pffft Tigers! 0-162! You're The Worst!

2008-04-03T14:57:00.006-06:00

Hallelujah, Holy Shit!

Kansas City, the team nobody picked to win even one game this year, has managed the unthinkable: a three-game sweep to start the season against the team everyone picked to win the division, and at that team's home stadium in front of 110,000 fans, no less.

If the season were to end now, we'd have a Royals-Nationals World Series and, I imagine, a thrilling seven-game epic.

It wouldn't matter which team would win; the real winners would be the fans.

Someone pinch me, I think I'm tripping too hard.

It's like a dream.

Or a fantasy.

Or a fantasia?

No, it actually is more like I'm tripping.

Tripping balls.

Just look at that menacing broom. And that poor, poor tiger. He's a cute little guy.

Too bad he was jackslapped repeatedly in the first four days of the season.

Too, too bad.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Bring on the Twins!

And some more of these delicious mushrooms!

Go Royals! 162-0! You're the Best!

Natural, eh? I get it...

2008-03-20T00:03:00.005-06:00

So I was devasted, simply devastated, last season when the Royals Double A affiliate in Springdale, Arkansas, was christened the Naturals, as opposed to the name for which I was pushing.

That's right, instead of the Springdale Thunder Chickens, we've got The Northwest Arkansas Naturals, or the N.W.A.R.K.N.A.T.S., for those who like to abbreviate ridiculously long names with equally ridiculously long acronyms.

In any case, I got over the lack of a Thunder Chicken mascot in the Royals organization. It would have been nice, but I understand, Springdale. You don't want Tyson Chicken to own your ass after the apocalypse. That's fine.

And Naturals. I guess that isn't so bad.

That means the mascot will be the corpse of Robert Redford, exhumed and displayed in a glass case for anyone and everyone to see.

"That's right, Junior. He played 'Jeremiah Johnson' and 'Brubaker.' He almost looks alive, doesn't he?"

That's okay, I guess. It's no Phillie Phanatic, but it will do.

What's that? The Naturals mascot isn't Redford?

Redford isn't even dead?

I'm pretty sure you're mistaken, but okay.

So the Naturals announced their real mascot the other day.

And get a load of this thing:

(The thing on the right).

Yeah, what the hell is that thing?

A schoolchild in Fayetteville won the naming contest, calling it "Strike."

Okay, not that helpful of a hint.

It's obviously hairy.

And scary.

And angry. So very, very angry.

Look at those pale blue eyes.

Chilling.

But what is it?

And this is wrong, on so very many many levels, but I'm pretty sure there is only one explanation that goes along with a nickname like "Naturals."

Strike is an anthropomorphized pile of ladies' landscaping.

See, you're upset. Even those of you who don't know exactly what I mean.

I'll spell it out for those of you who still don't quite get it, but prepare to be taken aback.

Strike is a walking, talking, pile of pubes. The personification of wild, untamed Wookie bush.

There, I said it in plain English.

Why don't I feel better?

I think I feel maybe worse than I ever have in my life.

But it had to be said.

Just look:

It's pretty obvious now, if it wasn't before.

I hate to be the one to finally point it out, but here we are.

(The depths of offensiveness I'll dredge to regain my lost readership is spellbinding, isn't it?)

Go Royals! 162-0! You're the Best!

Don't Call It A Comeback

2008-03-18T21:49:00.019-06:00

So yesterday I received an e-mail from faithful reader Alan Hinton, of Chicago, Ill.

Alan writes:

"Dear Casey,

This may seem to be a strange dedication request, but I'm quite sincere, and it'll mean a lot if you play it. Recently there was a death in our family. He was a little dog named Snuggles, but he was most certainly a part of..."

Wait, that's not it. Let me look again...

Okay, here we go. Alan writes:

"Attached is the worst banner I have ever designed. Regardless, if I have time to do this, then you must have time to update the blog. Get your ass in gear."

You're right, Alan.

That is a terrible banner.

And I believe it infringes on a number of copyrights.

But I understand the overall message. My ass, without a doubt, has been stuck in park for quite some time. It's amazing (and sad) how quickly eight months of not mocking Emil Brown can pass you right on by.

I'll be the first to admit that I punted last season. I was in the middle of a job hunt, an upcoming wedding, a house on the market, blah blah blah, and I quit. I quit at a time when the Royals were NOT quitting for the first time in years. Though they still finished with over ninety losses, it was the best season since 2003.

But it was worth it, because I got a job. And a wife. And the house... eh, still on the market. But I've bought a second one about 700 miles away, so that's, uh, well, pretty horrible, to be honest. But I've accepted it.

Anywho, this blog isn't about me. I'm actually not even a real person.

So I now apologize and beg for your renewed confidence in this blog. I'd like it to make a return as one of your few non-porn related bookmarks.

I would have liked to come back with a hilarious post about Trey Hillman or Hideo Nomo (SERIOUSLY, THIS WOULD ONLY HAVE BEEN FUNNIER IF THEY'D SIGNED HIDEKI IRABU OR TANAKA FROM MAJOR LEAGUE 2) or even Bob Davis, but that will have to wait.

Honestly, for most of this spring I've been feeling like the guy who's just been dumped by his first girlfriend. Instead of looking at all the young beautiful babies who want to ride my joint, I've been focused on the past love that I wasn't even compatible with from the start. That's right, instead of crossing my fingers and toes for Huber to finally get a chance or trying to learn everything I can about this Yabuta cat or raising some scratch to buy a new powder blue jersey, I've had my eyes on Mike "Relax the Back" Sweeney and Emil "I like exclamation points!" Brown and their attempted comebacks with the Oakland A's.

This winter, Dayton Moore pulled a Chigurh; he did what he had to do because time has passed right on by for these vets and because it's his job. There was a time when they could have made a difference on this team, but that time is gone. Sweeney basically begged for his Royal life, and Dayton didn't budge. Emil has led the team in RBI for the last three years, but he was knocked off. And not even an on-screen kill, either. Just adios, Emil.

Hell, Dayton even forced Buddy "Sheriff Ed Tom" Bell into retirement, or banishment to the White Sox, or whatever you want to call what happened there.

To steal a line, Dayton's the ultimate badass.

But I cannot stop myself from thinking about these two former Royals.

Brown has been put on the A's roster and looks headed to Japan for the opening series with the Red Sox. I can't wait to see him falling over and misjudging fly balls in left field on a regular basis for another team. And just because he's gone doesn't mean I have to stop making fun of him.

As for Sweeney, he is only signed to a minor league deal, and they keep pushing back the decision date on him. Honestly, I hope he doesn't make the team, because a twenty-hour flight to Japan just may forever destroy his lumbar.

Like I said, we're better off with these guys gone from the Royals, but there's always gonna be a hole in my heart for Mike Sweeney and Emil Brown.

There. Now that I've got that out of the way, I (and this blog) can move on with this year's team. I'm looking forward to a great season.

Go Royals! 162-0! You're the Best!

Special Post-Blog Analysis from Rob Neyer

Not a great first post back. Casey Kasem jokes? No Country For Old Men? These aren't even timely references. And that may be the worst fake movie poster I've ever seen.

But I understand you're easing back into it. And I think you're going to prove that you can still contribute to the Royals blogosphere. Not as well as I have, of course, but I'd rather read you than Dick Kaegel.

I quit the whole Royals blogging thing myself recently, because I can't be bothered to write if there's no money involved. If you want Neyer, you gotta go Insider, bitches.

But you're better than that. You're better than me (not really, of course).

But you've got the right idea, writing about such a bad team. There's always going to be material with this group. I predict plenty of drunken rants and much worse photoshopping to come as the season progresses.

The Royals will always suck, but you won't.

Now I'd like to take a little bit of time to talk about some teams that actually matter. Namely, any of the other twenty-nine teams. They are all more likely to make the playoffs than our beloved Royals.

Now everyone knows how much I hate to talk bad on my favorite team, but the Royals need to be contracted or moved to a bigger market than Kansas City, like say maybe Greensboro or Newport News.

Here are my top fifty-seven reasons why the Royals will never win and why anybody who has any hope for a better tomorrow is a bona fide idiot....

"Accident"

2007-07-29T23:11:00.002-06:00

Go Royals! You're the Best!

Flushed Away

2007-07-25T17:13:00.002-06:00

Question:

What does a 10.46 ERA get you?

Answer:

I mean, eventually.

And you thought he sucked last year with a 5.31 ERA.

Hell, he was playing over his head!

Goodbye, Scotty.

I never liked you.

Honestly, it was mostly because I thought you looked like a cross between Colin Hanks and a serial killer.

Also, because you suck at your job.

You're next, Emil.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

Hidey-Ho Neglecterinos!

2007-07-24T22:57:00.002-06:00

Hey, I'm back.

Uh, for like a day.

But hey!

The Royals are back to respectability, no?

And by "respectability" I mean, you know, that they are better than eight teams.

Twenty-Two out of Thirty!

I mean....

Respectable!

Well, hell, better than the worst team in baseball, am I right?

Royals beating up on the Tiggers and BoSox.

But, uh, not the Yankees.

And the Yankees aren't even good, am I right?

(Well, Dotel and Elarton against, well, any team is, well, almost worse than, well, can I say "well" one more time, well, forfeiting.)

Meche takes them on tomorrow and I expect some, uh, maybe competiveness? Something that we could expect with the twenty-second best team in baseball facing the, uh, eleventh, twelfth, thirteenth, seventeenth (?!?!) best team in baseball?

Can I get an AMEN?!?!?!

I mean, I don't really need an "amen," but, uh, if you feel like yelling at your computer screen, I'd probably take it.

Need I remind you that A-Rod is a friggin' werewolf?

No?

So.

Sigh.

Here's the deal.

Daddy makes promises just to break them. I feel like the dad in a freakin' Harry Chapin song.

I'm moving to Iowa now.

And, you know, that takes some time away from the computer.

So I'm just about at that point where I'm gonna have to say, maybe next season, son.

MY BOY WAS JUST LIKE ME.

No.

I will update again.

I will.

That is to say...

I promise we'll be a family again when the Royals win the pennant.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

I say "hiatus," you say "he hate us"

2007-06-27T10:46:00.003-06:00

Disturbing news:

I was invited to join a fantasy football league already.

It seems like the baseball season ends sooner and sooner every year. And as a Royals fan, the season is usually over before it has even begun, but come on, fantasy football in June? Do we really need three months of preparation?

It's sad.

Anywho, I feel like a jerk for not updating. It probably seems like I'm done with the baseball season to the four people who pray before bed every night that I'll post some fake Emil Brown movie reviews (I promise I will soon) or nude photos of Daniel Cortes (I hope not, but if I happen to come across some more...).

But here's the deal. I didn't have time to post. I...

I got married. (She's a lucky, lucky woman)

And then, I went to Kaua'i. (Fun Fact: In Kaua'i, Royals highlights for the game that night actually air hours before in the middle of the afternoon... it's like seeing into the future!)

And now, I'm painting the house. (This is what happens when you get married)

And next week, I'm driving halfway across the country and back. (I will get to see an exhilarating Devil Rays-Royals matchup in KC, though)

So the Royals haven't gotten my full attention the last couple of weeks. I didn't get to see them pummel the Cards. I didn't get to see Alex Gordon turn into a good ballplayer. I missed Joey Gathright's return. The all-star push for Buck and Teahen. And the horrifying mistake that nearly was a trade for Milton Bradley. John Thomson? Better than Scott Elarton.

So, even though I'm constantly making false promises that, yes, I will be back and posting soon, you know the score.

Just keep hitting that refresh button and crossing your fingers.

I'll be back soon.

I promise. (Lies, damned lies)

Go Royals! You're the Best!

Hapless Hapless, Joy Joy!

2007-05-30T16:12:00.003-06:00

Check this out:

May 1, 2007 from the Washington Post: "Angels Drop Hapless Royals to 8-18"

May 2, 2007 from AHN: "Surging Angels Defeat Hapless Royals"

May 10, 2007 from CBC Sports: "Blue Jays Paste Hapless Royals"

May 12, 2007 from the Herald News: "Sox's Garland Shuts Down Hapless Royals"

May 30, 2007 from the AP: "Guthrie Pitches Orioles Past Hapless Royals"

And don't assume that this only happens when the Royals lose. Take a look at these headlines from last year when the Royals were abusing the Red Sox and Yankees:

August 9, 2006 from the Boston Herald: "Sox Woes Hit New Low: Lester Struggles In Loss To Hapless Royals"

May 27, 2006 from the AP: "Hapless Royals Tip Yankees"

"Hapless Royals" may just be one of the most overused phrases ever. However, other overused phrases like "Git 'er Done!" and "Lohan back in rehab" are eventually forced out of popular language by, well, I guess everyone just finally says a collective "enough" and they go away. But "Hapless Royals" has staying power. God forbid anyone in the media open a thesaurus to find another adjective. While you had to be annoyed by every random jackass in the world yelling "Show Me The Money!" for only six months, KC fans have been hearing/reading the phrase, "Hapless Royals," for well over a decade. In fact, this was the team's original logo:

So what am I saying?

Um...

Kansas City might as well change its name to "Hapless."

No, that's not it.

I'm saying, while you're dealing with this as a Royals fan, you might as well be playing an eight-bit video game where every player looks like a bulbous Playskool figurine.

That's right, I have created an RBI Baseball 2007 edition.

Why did I do it?

Because I was tired of waiting for someone else to do it.

So go ahead.

Download RBI Baseball 2K7. (Don't forget, you need an NES Emulator, such as Nestopia.)

Play that game. Forget the fact you cheer for the "Hapless Royals."

Use that keyboard and win games as the "Kan City Royals."

Before you know it, the real team will have won a game again.

I mean, come on, they play the Devil Rays the next four games.

And we've got Namor the Sub-Mariner on our side.

Oh wait, you mean Tony Pena, Jr. isn't actually a merman?

Too obscure?

Should have gone with the easy Spock joke, I suppose.

Go Hapless Royals! You're the Best!

Coors Field Report

2007-05-22T08:08:00.002-06:00

Saw the Royals cream the Rockies in extra innings in Denver on Sunday. What did I learn, seeing the Royals in person for the first time this year?

Basically, that this is the same Royals we've always had. They blew multiple saves in the game, wasted a decent start, and Emil Brown kicked a ball in the outfield. But something was different. They didn't give up. They didn't have a meltdown. No, that honor went to Colorado. I don't know that KC's comeback (you know, the third one they had to make, where they broke open the game off a guy with a 6-something ERA and even pitcher Joel Peralta smashed a double) says all that much about the Royals. I think it says a lot more about the Rockies. And probably something about the NL. A team like the Royals could compete for division titles over in the senior circuit. But as much bad baseball as KC fans are forced to watch already, I'd hate to have to watch them play the Nationals or the Cardinals on a regular basis. Seriously, six games with St. Louis might be a chore this year considering Tony LaRussa is currently drunk-dialing Alan and Andy Benes, begging them to come out of retirement to fill the holes in his pitching staff. Hell, the Cards could use Elaine Benes at this point.

But back to the Rockies game. I loved the park. Sure, they ripped off our fountains, but the rocks and evergreens and waterfalls are pretty cool. Very nice downtown location. Easy to get in and out (I'll explain why in a little bit). Overall, a great place to watch baseball.

But the fans. Wow.

Most apathetic group of people I've ever seen in my life.

I'll admit, the weather conditions weren't the most ideal, but when it started to sprinkle, fans immediately headed for the exits. And even though it never got worse than a drizzle, I'd say by the seventh or eighth inning, less than 10% of the crowd remained. We're talking over 30,000 fans leaving in a span of an hour or so. I've never seen the term "fair weather fans" applied more correctly than on Sunday. And something even stranger happened. Throngs of people got up and left right after the Rockies tied it in the bottom of the ninth to force extra innings. Just everyone getting up and leaving, like they thought the game had ended in a tie. Really, really bizarre to see the few fans who stayed to the ninth just get up and leave before free baseball. I guess they had to get home to... uh... what the hell else is there to do at 4 pm on a Sunday afternoon? Watch Ebert and Roeper? Of the 3,000 or so left for the remainder of the game, over half were Royals fans. During the Royals five-run barrage in the 12th, "Let's Go Royals!" chants filled the empty stadium. The only sounds Rockies fans made were boos, usually at their own pitcher for throwing to first. They also spent more time staring at the JumboTron than the field, though I don't think one replay was ever shown. It was mostly still photos of Paul Phillips looking fat and Alex Gordon looking stoned.

You know how some blogs have a Boyfriend of the Day? We don't need one at Royales with Cheese because that post about Daniel Cortes gets linked to on every gay message board on the net. Sorry Daniel, you're somebody's Boyfriend of the Day everyday. But I think we need to do a regular Pothead of the Day feature. Mostly because it's already done with the above photo. So today's PotD.... Alex Gordon.

But back to the point of the post, you can see why it was so easy to get out of the game. After the final out, we went to the parking lot that had been full an hour before the game started to find we were one of about five cars left. High school debate tournaments are harder to get out of than a Rockies game.

Of the fans left, as I said, most were Royals fans or confused Rockies fans. But there was one guy. This old bastard sitting in the next section over, listening to a walkman, rocking back and forth, bebopping along to his music, and keeping score. He muttered curses under his mustache continuously and yelled at the home plate ump (a mere 420 feet away from him) that balls thrown in the dirt were strikes. This man was hardcore. This man was full of rage. He seemed to be the mascot for the drunk kids around him, who laughed uproariously at everything he said.

So it shouldn't surprise you that when I got up to cheer for a Mark Teahen triple, the old bastard groused, "Eh, go back to Kansas City!"

I was confused.

"What?" I yelled back at him.

"Go back to Kansas City."

Choosing to be diplomatic, I shouted back, "Uh, both our teams suck, dude. Calm down."

"Go back to Kansas City," he grumbled again.

I thought he was adorable.

My fiancee thought he was scary.

Hence, no photographs of this crazy man.

However, through the magic of MS Paint, I have managed to cobble together a reasonable facsimilie of him:

So, if you ever see this man, well, anywhere, feel free to punch him in the face for me and for all of Kansas City.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

Rockies with Cheese

2007-05-18T16:24:00.002-06:00

So far this week, the Royals are 4-1. Those four wins are nearly 30% of their entire season's win total. And they could be 5-0, if the home plate umpire hadn't wanted to get home to watch Letterman the other night. The starting pitching has continued to be great, John Buck has continued to be Samson, and even Paul Phillips, Ryan Shealy and Angel Berroa have contributed to the offense this week. That's why the Royals are having THE BEST WEEK EVER.

So after a series win on the road in Oakland, what do the Royals do for an encore? They head to Denver to face the Colorado Rockies in the less dramatic of their two 1-70 series. But who are the Rockies? Well, if you'll recall, the Kansas City Scouts became the Colorado Rockies in 1976, and then in 1982 they moved onto New Jersey and became the Devils. In 1995, the people of Denver proved themselves to be the least creative people in the world when they named their new baseball team the Colorado Rockies. Scratch that, those jackasses in St. Louis that had two Cardinals franchises at once were the least creative people in the world. But we, as Royals fans, have quite a bit in common with the Rockies and should be the best of friends.

We have a lot in common. There's the obvious phonetic similarities in the team names, sure, but there's also these characters that we've both had to watch suck day in and day out over the years: Buddy Bell, Neifi Perez, Jeremy Affeldt, Denny Bautista, Scott Dohmann, Chris Stynes, Bryan Rekar, Curtis Leskanic, Eli Marrero, Alexis Gomez, Miguel Asencio, Sal Fasano, Scott Service, Desi Relaford, Scott Elarton, Nate Field, Brian Lawrence, Bobby Keppel, Kit Pellow, Mac Suzuki, Jay Witasick and that's just off the top of my head. You could field an entire team of players that have been cast off by both the Royals and the Rockies.

But do we really want to be friends with Rockies fans? So both teams suck, is that enough for us to be cool with eachother? Probably. Especially since they hardly ever play eachother. But when they do, that's when the friendship should end. And that means, for this weekend, we need to hate the Rockies.

How do we muster up the emotions we need to hate this team?

Well, that's where I come in.

Six reasons to hate the Rockies:

1) They are named after mountains for goodness sakes. But I don't think of the Rocky Mountains when I hear the name (which is strange, because I live in the Rocky Mountains). No, I think of these other Rockies instead:

Perhaps if Richmond, VA gets a team and they name them the Appalachians, we'll get some symmetry going, but until then, there will always be other Rockies that are more popular than the baseball team.

2) One of their team colors is purple. They don't go crazy with it like the Wildcats or Jazz or Vikings unis, which actually are kind of cool. Nope, instead they use just enough purple to fruit up their traditional pinstripe uniforms and completely ruin them. A little purple is only cool when it's on your face:

3) They have maybe the gayest mascot ever:

His name is Dinger. And yes, those are polka dots.

He looks like a reject from Barney.

4) They play in the same city as the Broncos.

5) Coors Light is the worst, most flavorless beer ever made. On top of that, you can get drunker off one bottle of rubbing alcohol than a 30-Pack of Coors Light.

And last but not least....

6) That John Denver's full of shit, man.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

He's Baaaaaaaaaack!

2007-05-14T17:56:00.002-06:00

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

The team thrashed the White Sox yesterday, but their record remains a laughable 12-26.

With Ross Gload headed for the DL, Dayton Moore had to make a tough decision.

Which player in Omaha could come up and make an immediate impact?

Perhaps turn the entire season around?

Which guy is a proven winner, a gamer, a tough as nails, faster than lightning, rockstar ballplayer?

Well, the choice was obvious:

Here he comes to save the day!

Angel Berroa is on his way!

Yes sir, when there is a wrong to right

Angel Berroa will join the fight!

On the sea or on the land

He gets the situation well in hand!

Ugh, who am I kidding...

Go Royals! You’re the Best!

Esteban German - the hitting = Alex Gordon

2007-05-09T23:03:00.002-06:00

ROYALS WIN! ROYALS WIN!

We can't be as bad as last year, we won't be as bad as last year, and we can't be as bad as last year.

The Royals beat the Athletics at Kauffman for the seventhtime in thirty-five games since 2000.

Now THAT is something to celebrate.

Here is the play of the game.

Courtesy of Future Rookie of the Year/Gold Glover/Batting Title Champ/Triple Crown Winner/Hall of Famer/MVP/Home Run Champ/Cy Young Win--- uh, scratch that last one... and probably the first one and, well, maybe all of that (prove me wrong, AG, prove me wrong).

Anywho, here's Alex "The Future ___________" Gordon with the play of the game:

'Round these parts, we call that a "Germanic Web Gem."

Kudos to you Gordon.

Kudos.

Be grateful I didn't make a joke about Alex taking balls to the face.

(I know I'm grateful for that.)

Go Royals! You're the Best!

Déjà Vu. The bad kind.

2007-05-08T23:29:00.002-06:00

HEY!

Remember last year when the Royals were on pace to be one of the worst teams ever?

Remember how bad they were? And how sickening it was to try and watch their games by early May? And remember how Allard Baird was fired and Dayton Moore was hired and all of a sudden the team was going to be awesome?

And remember how last year, on May 12, their record was 10-23?

And remember how five minutes ago, when you checked tonight's box score, you saw that their record is now 10-23?

They beat last year's team in futility by four days?

Sigh.

We can assume this year's team won't go on the same streak they did last year when they reached this record (they lost the next 12 straight).

Right?

Surely not this year?

Hell if I know.

Meche is starting tomorrow and the Athletics have an anemic offense. Then again, De La Rosa had an 0.68 ERA at home before going only four and a third innings tonight.

And it's not just the fact that KC is losing this year.

It's who they are losing to. (They were clobbered by Detroit on Sunday. That game's stars? Chad Durbin and Neifi Perez.)

It's how they are losing. (Two, maybe three clutch hits all season with runners in scoring position and more than one out.)

It's why they are losing. (They are just plain bad at this whole baseball thing.)

How do Royals fans cope with this sort of thing year in and year out?

We pull a Hasselhoff.

Actually, I have to be honest.

Even the drinking isn't helping this year.

I claimed I haven't blogged much because of school, but to be honest, it has a lot more to do with this team. It hasn't inspired much in the way of humorous observations for me. I feel beaten down. I feel worn out. I feel pissed off.

How do we fix this?

How do we fix the team?

How do we fix me?

I think there are very few things that would cheer me up.

Here's what I have so far:

1) Fire Buddy Bell.

and 2) ...

Uh, I guess that's the main thing.

Sure, there are other, probably better ways to improve the team. But come on, why even pretend Bell is working as a manager at this point? He doesn't even look like he wants to be here.

Now I know, this may not help the Royals that much.

But I think it will help me.

And that's gotta be worth something, right?

Screw it. If Buddy isn't fired soon, I'll just crank out some Emil Brown movie reviews and link to more Royals' MySpace pages.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

TWIRB: This Week In Royals Baseball

2007-04-28T15:00:00.002-06:00

It's now time to recap the past week of Royals baseball. But here at Royales with Cheese, we don't talk about how the actual games went (the wounds are too fresh). Instead, we talk about the unimportant stuff. Here are the top stories, in no particular order:

Torii, Tory, Torry

Poor Torii Hunter is in trouble again. In the last week, he has been in hot water for talking shit on baseball's tribute to Jackie Robinson and for sending four bottles of champagne to Mike Sweeney. On Thursday, Zach Greinke hit Hunter in the face with a wild pitch, creating this latest situation. No, Hunter didn't charge the mound (though he thought about it). He's actually being sued by Universal Pictures and the estate of H.G. Wells for copyright infringement of their classic Invisible Man character:

Bagels Bagged By Boffo Business

Panera Bread has pulled out of their Baker's Dozen of Bagels promotion. If the Royals collected 13 hits and won at Kauffman Stadium, all ticket holders were entitled to a baker's dozen of bagels. Well, the Royals accomplished this feat on April 20th, and Panera found themselves unable to deliver the goods. The timing couldn't have been worse, as the restaurant's inventory had already been diminished by roving gangs of stoners earlier in the day.

Mike Sweeney Homers for Sick Boy

The headline says it all. On Wednesday, Sweeney promised a boy about to undergo an operation for a brain aneurysm that he would homer off of Sidney "King Hippo" Ponson. And he delivered. No real joke to make here.

Though one has to wonder, if he can hit a homer for a sick boy, why can't he homer more often for a sick team?

Yeah, that was probably uncalled for.

Oh well.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

Mmmmm, Cow Tail.

2007-04-25T20:53:00.002-06:00

I know, I know, I have gotten off to a truly horrible start this season when it comes to blogging. But to be fair, I've been writing/re-writing/defending my thesis and I just haven't had any time.

That all ends now. I am officially done with grad school after this weekend and I can put my full attention where it belongs: Royals baseball.

I've missed so many opportunities for hilarious posts. So allow me to completely misuse the entire purpose of the internet by posting old news as if it were really happening now!

Royals Reliever Joel Peralta was hospitalized for two days with a stomach virus. No, it wasn't the flu. JP admitted it was food poisoning from eating a cow's tail.

I can't blame him. Worst. Candy. Ever.

What?

You mean he ate a real cow's tail?

Really?

One of these?

Yikes.

But I have a theory on why Joel Peralta ate something that is essentially a fly swatter ass attachment.

Brace yourselves...

It's a sex thing. You know, like bathing in koala piss or snorting ground-up rhino horn.

You know how I know?

His Myspace Page.

Go ahead. Click on the link. You can come back and read the rest of this after you've looked at all of his animated gifs of stick figures screwing.

Go on.

....

You're back?

Good.

So I'll go ahead and state the obvious: dude is obsessed with diddling. Which can mean only one thing: dude probably doesn't get much diddling.

Which can only add to his stress since he's in the Royals bullpen.

What can he do? Hell, eating a cow's tail has to be easier than telling the ladies he plays for the Royals.

That come-on line hasn't been a valid aphrodisiac since the mid-80's. You know, when George Brett was dining on his own cow tail:

Where have you gone Morganna, the Kissing Bandit? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you. (Woo woo woo.)

Go Royals! You're the Best!

Baby We Were Born to K

2007-04-16T14:44:00.002-06:00

Alex Gordon is the future of the Royals. But if his first ten games are any indication, the Royals future is bleak. He's hitting .111 and has 14 strikeouts. He has struck out in every game he's played. He has two errors. He has been killing my fantasy team. That said, the rest of the team isn't doing much better. Aside from David DeJesus, John Buck, Reggie Sanders, Ross Gload and Esteban German (4 of those 5 guys are not everyday players, by the way), the offense is terrible. There isn't another player with an average over .231. Ryan Shealy looks like he spent his offseason forgetting how to tell a ball from a strike. Emil Brown, upset at less playing time, doesn't look like he deserves any. The team has over 100 strikeouts in two weeks.

It's too bad, because the pitching has been much much better than anyone expected. Zack Greinke is looking like an ace. Gil Meche has pitched well in 2 out of 3 starts. Even Jorge De La Rosa and Brandon Duckworth have had good starts. And Joakim Soria has been fantastic. If the Royals were sporting even an average offense, they'd be playing .500 ball right now.

That said, it isn't hopeless. Gordon will hit. The rest of the team will too. It just isn't possible for an entire lineup of guys to be hovering around the Mendoza line for too long. Nope, not even the Royals.

So for now, let's just celebrate Gordon and what little he's been able to produce:

Available for now as an EP. But by the end of the season, he'll have produced a box set. Guaranteed.

I know, I know, I should have made some sort of Springsteen/Gordon/Nebraska reference. Oh wait, does this count?

Go Royals! You're the Best!

The Post Wherein I Mock a Future Hall of Famer

2007-04-02T21:22:00.002-06:00

SURPRISE!

Gil Meche... doesn't suck.

Tony Pena, Jr... doesn't suck.

John Buck... doesn't suck.

Curt Schilling... sucks.

You may have heard this, but Mr. Pitcher On The Original RBI Baseball Nintendo Game has his own blog.

It's called 38 Pitches.

Which is about what he threw in the first inning today.

ZING!

In his blog, he proves he is the master of fragment sentences. And typos. And shortening the word fastball to "FB." And also that he doesn't know the difference between "there," "their" and "they're."

But I digress.

My favorite quote in that post: "A lengthy AB from Shealy, saw me go to the split 3-2 which he took for ball 4 to walk in a run. I can’t remember if I ever done that?"

I'm guessing you probably have, Curt. You're older than God, after all.

But again, I digress.

Question:

What's weirder than reading Curt Schilling give a recap that sounds an awful lot like a fan trying to update a message board in real time during a game and nothing like a pitcher actually talking about how he played?

Answer:

Reading the comments section of the post where fans stroke his ego that it's okay he sucked today.

But props to him for giving Meche and Kansas City fans credit. At least he owned up to his poor start. Although, he's always been this way at Kauffman Stadium. Last August, he tied an American League record by giving up 10 extra-base hits. Overall, he's 1-3 in Kansas City.

But really, I don't think this had anything to do with his trouble in KC. I don't think Curt was entirely honest. I think he should have just admitted the real reason why he was so ineffective today:

He was worried about who would win on the season finale of I Love New York. Yep, ol' Curt had money riding on a surprise reappearance of nose-picking Sox fan Mr. Boston.

That makes him 0-2 today. And a good bet to join Pete Rose in the Hall of Shame.

Hey, at least his bloody sock made it to Cooperstown.

Go Royals! 162-0! You're the Best!

¿Dos Tony Peñas? ¡Mierda!

2007-03-26T12:59:00.002-06:00

Los Royals negoció para el hijo promedio del encargado anterior idiota Tony Peña.

Esto significa:

Adios, Ángel Maria!

¡Hola, Tony Francisco!

¡Ay chihuahua!

¡Vaya Royals! ¡Usted es el mejor!

The Inevitable Mike Sweeney Post

2007-03-19T21:13:00.002-06:00

So it's spring again, which means Royals fans are counting down the days until Mike Sweeney's next slipped disc. But Buddy and the Gang have limited Mike's activity this spring quite a lot.

And in what limited playing time Mike has seen so far, we have learned one, very important thing about how his style has changed. Long gone is the gritty catcher turned stiff first baseman turned flat-assed DH.

No, Mike Sweeney has become a finesse player.

One of style.

One of grace.

One of... uh... flamboyance?

One of... JAZZ HANDS!

GO ROYALS! YOU'RE THE BEST!

Drunk Me = Post Now

2007-03-05T23:40:00.002-07:00

Alright, I'll admit I'm drunk. But you can't blame me. It's grad school. Grad School made me what I am.

Anywho, here's the new blog. I promise that it contains no pictures of nude pitching prospects passed out on the toilet.

No, this is not a post for mocking current Royals. Or future Royals. Or guys who will never make the... god, I'm drunk.

No, this post is for some lame, old school knocks on dudes that can't afford to sue my ass. Watch out, Bip Roberts, you Firecracker Throwin' Mother Bitch!

And.... scene.

So, here's what the post is all about:

Royals Promotions that were rejected by the 2007 Sales Department...

This year, to sell tickets, they've elected to add a Steve Busby Bobblehead, a Paul Splittorf bobblehead, a, um, Terry Shumpert Bobblehead and a Mark Teahen t-shirt, while abandoning the Dozen Krispy Kremes for a Dozen Hits promotion that caused no less than 189 post-game traffic accidents in four years.

So here are the things that were contemplated as promotions this season, but were ultimately rejected by the PR department.

Rejected Promotion #1: The Runelvys Hernandez Life Raft.

He's big, he's fat, he's inflatable!

Rejected Promotion #2: The Brian Johnson Solo Album.

A free CD-R of former Royals Catcher Brian Johnson destroying AC/DC classics like "Thunderstruck" and "Have a Drink on Me."

Rejected Promotion #3: The Official Tony Muser Shaving Kit.

You ever notice how Tony Muser didn't have any sideburns? He just shaved straight across his upper cheek, right along the earline. This guy was against facial hair, even if it made him look like a pale friendless virgin coming of age in the late 1960s. Of course, this sort of over-shaving appealed to the Gillette people, who lobbied hard for their new 8-blade razor to be advertised at Royals games this year.

#4 - Chico Lind Novelty Ass Pants!

So you're a college girl with an ass that looks good in sweats, huh? Why not let the world know you're a Royals fan with these classic Chico Lind sweats that say, "Hey, I'm not drunk. And to prove it, I'm wearing pants!"

They also say, "Hey! Look at my ass!"

And finally, Rejected Promotion #5:

The Jim Eisenreich Talking Keychain.

Carry former Royal Jim Eisenreich with you everywhere you go! Press a button to hear six unique phrases, including "Hi, I'm Jim Eisenreich," "Bastard Tit Balls Ass!" "Sorry I let go of the bat and it flew into the stands and hit you in the head and gave you a severe concussion, kid!" and, of course, "Hi, I'm Jim Eisenreich!"

Always good to end on a joke about Tourette's syndrome.

Bastard Tit Balls Ass!

Go Royals! You're the Best!

Do Your Duty: Vote Thunder Chickens Today!

2007-01-18T09:37:00.002-07:00

VOTE THUNDER CHICKENS
The Wichita Wranglers are moving to Springdale, Arkansas (the headquarters of Tyson Chicken), for the 2008 season.
VOTE THUNDER CHICKENS
But they won't be the Springdale Wranglers. Instead, the public will vote from a list of possible names.
VOTE THUNDER CHICKENS
Here are the choices:
VOTE THUNDER CHICKENS
Springdale Anglers
Springdale Bass
Springdale Highlanders
Springdale Monarchs
Springdale Naturals
Springdale Ridge Runners
Springdale Thunder Chickens
VOTE THUNDER CHICKENS
Obviously, each name has it's positives.

And, each has it's negatives.
VOTE THUNDER CHICKENS
Each, except for Thunder Chickens.

Obviously, you are allowed your own opinion and I can't make you vote for Thunder Chickens, but I promise you, if that name loses, we all lose...
VOTE THUNDER CHICKENS
You don't really want to cheer for a team called the Anglers do you? You couldn't feel proud wearing a Springdale Bass hat, could you? You don't want to endure "I'm Duncan McLeod of the Clan McLeod" jokes for the rest of your life, do you? Don't even get me started on the Naturals and Ridge Runners.
VOTE THUNDER CHICKENS
So go vote, already.
VOTE THUNDER CHICKENS
And make the right choice.
VOTE THUNDER CHICKENS
Go Thunder Chickens! You're the Best!

I'll take "Absolute Hottiness" over "Absolute Laziness" any day.

2007-01-17T14:05:00.002-07:00

Sure, it's the dead of winter.

Sure, Opening Day is still two and a half months away.

Sure, I haven't updated this blog since October.

But spring training is coming. And soon.

Pitchers and Catchers report in a little under a month.

Everyone else in a little over a month.

Meaning the countdown to the Royals' return to glory begins soon. Well, I guess it began last year with the hiring of Dayton Moore. Or the firing of Allard Baird. Or however you want to look at it.

Honestly, it probably won't really begin until this guy:

is gone.

In case you can't tell, that's your favorite Rookie of the Year flameout and mine, Angel Berroa. Playing in the snow. With more energy than I've ever seen him have on the ballfield.

Moore may be trying to hasten Berroa's departure with his latest signing, the formerly retired Alex "S" Gonzalez. Honestly, if anyone can do anything to help me tell all of the Alex Gonzalez's apart, I'll be eternally grateful. That goes double for all of the Dee Browns.

Well, luckily for me, our newest Royal, Alex "S" Gonzalez has a fantastic fanatical fan site, Alex Gonzalez is an Absolute Hottie!, that separates him from all the other AGon's.

Fraught with typos, gigantic images, dead links and even a hilarious poll, this may be the reason the Internet was invented. Go ahead. Do yourself a favor. Have a look around. Have some laughs. And get to know our newest, absolutely hottest Royal.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

Emil Brown hosts Yo! RWC Wraps!

2006-10-27T22:26:00.002-06:00

Hey there, Emil Brown with a Royales with Cheese End O' The O'Year O' Wrap Up: 2006 O'dition!!!

Well, the major leagues are about to end, what with this World Series getting close to over. The Cardinals won tonight to make it four games to one, and they seem real happy. All hugging and kissing and touching each other inappropriate like.

But there is still a couple weeks left of the World Series. And call me cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, but I think Detroit will win tomorrow and then the next six straight games against the Cardinals to win the series, 8 games to 4. They will double up those guys. That means twice as much as the other team wins!

And Motown will be blowed up real good by those crazy fans. Molotov cocktails? Oh hells yeah!

Then, the Tigers will have to play the guys who won the World Baseball Classic, if I get this right. So that means it will be The Detroit vs. The French Guiana for The Bout to Knock The Other Guy Out. It should be real good. And on The Pay Per View. With replays on NFL Network after that.

Man, the baseball is crazy as hell!

Don't worry, folk. KC will be there real soon. I predict us vs. Nunavut in the next World Series in 2009. Damn eskimos. We'll take home the brass medal. Its gonna be proud time for all of us. The fountains will be running blue with water. Quote me on that.

Now let's get to something important. The end of the year recap I was supposed to be doing!

*Blush*

You see that?

How I wrote what I was doing as a word?

*Laughs*

This intranet is cool!

So the year ended for us a while time ago. Almost a month.

What have the guys been up to?

THE GOLF.

Or, if you are Mike Sweeney, you shoot commercials talking about Clones and say mean things about The Teen Wolf.

But he is our captain. So I say, okay, make fun of The Alex P. Keaton.

For Real!

Oh snap, year in the end of it review?

Ok.

How about this:

We coulda done better.

But we coulda done worse!

So good for us! The Royales, I mean.

All in all, I says look out for us at the next World Baseball Stanley Classic Final Areola Series.

WHO DEY?

WHO DEY?

DEY BE DA ROYALES.

Check out this blogger spotter over the winter for new signings and spring training thoughts and a list of my favorite horror movies and the end of the baseball season and my Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade coverage and the Rule 5 picks and some real good recipes for potato soup!

Oh, and while I got a forum to do this, go see The School for The Scoundrels. Its got the guy from the movie about the bad Santa and the guy from the movie about the nerd who dances to The Jamiroquai. If it had the guy from the movie about The Texas Chain Saw Massacre 2, I would have give it seventeen stars.

Have a good daytime savers time! Remember, fall over!

Go Royals! We're the Best!

We'll miss you, Buck.

2006-10-06T23:17:00.002-06:00

John Jordan 'Buck' O'Neil
November 13, 1911 - October 6, 2006

Bringing new meaning to the phrase "Pitcher-Catcher Battery"

2006-09-12T23:37:00.002-06:00

So the Royals found a way to get on ESPN tonight.

All it took was Fat Elvys and John Buck wildly throwing punches at one another in the dugout between innings.

Sadly, neither guy ever connected.

But it made me wonder, who would win in a real fight between these two?

Obviously, Elvys is in a much higher weight class. But then again, Buck probably has more stamina and agility.

We would probably have to resort to some kind of super-computer to determine the winner.

Luckily, I own a Nintendo.

Obviously, Little Buck wins, punching Elvys repeatedly in his gut while the obese pitcher tries in vain to keep his boxing shorts on.

And there you have it.

Please join us next time when we pit Angel Berroa against a 747 full of poisonous snakes. Or perhaps we'll see Emil Brown take on a word processing program.

Either way, there should be lots of blood.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

Kicking Names and Taking Ass

2006-09-12T15:58:00.002-06:00

How hard is it to update this site when the Royals are playing well?

Check out all of the posts from the last two weeks to see the answer.

KC has been on a tear lately, sticking it to the Twins, the White Sox and the Red Sox.

And I gotta say, I laughed about that.

I laughed a lot.

I'm sure every Royals fan did.

Rendering this blog completely worthless during that time.

You can only rip on Emil's poor diction or Runelvys' love of deep fat fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches so many times. Especially when they are playing pretty well.

So get ready for the future.

Well, at least for the next several months.

Royales with Cheese will become a hybrid.

You know, like a Prius.

Introducing:

Sure, why not?

Looks to be lots of laughs coming from their 2006 season.

Just think...

The chuckles we'll get out of the inept O-line!

The giggles we'll get out of Herm Edwards' post game conferences!

The chortles we'll get out of KC Wolf's Zubaz pants!

The guffaws, my god, the uncontrollable belly laughs we'll get out of Damon freaking Huard!

Come on!

Who's with me?

...

Nobody?

Really?

Not one person?

Good.

I didn't really feel like doing that anyway.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

The Post Wherein I Further Make Light of Emil Brown's Flair for Unintelligible Writing

2006-08-29T10:01:00.002-06:00

The past several weeks the Royals have experienced milestones. Not on the baseball field, but in their private lives. I'm talking birthdays, anniversaries, and other pointless celebrations of the passing of time.

Why should you care?

Well, Royales with Cheese has rooted through the clubhouse trashcan and found several discarded greeting cards penned by your favorite movie reviewer and mine, Emil Brown.

That's right, presenting the first part in a 27 part series:

Here now, are those cards.

(1)

This past Saturday, August 26. Runelvys Hernandez's fifth wedding anniversary:

(2)

Sunday, August 27th: Buddy Bell's 55th birthday.

(3)

Today, August 29: Ryan Shealy's birthday.

(4)

Also today, August 29: News of Reggie Sanders' season ending surgery.

Honestly, I think Emil's getting better at the whole writing thing.

TREMENDOUS STRIDES.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

Proof that the Royals aren't as lame as the Cubs

2006-08-19T23:48:00.002-06:00

Yep.

Family Circus loves the Cubs.

And even though it is a comic strip, Bil Keane still refuses to incorporate any comic element into the strip whatsoever.

Seriously.

Where the hell is the joke in the above panel?

Please tell me that it isn't Ma and Pa Family Circus realizing that the kids didn't need all of the expensive memorabilia when a pack of Orbit would have satisfied them...

Even so, that isn't really a joke, now is it?

That is all.

Go Royals! You're not the Cubs!

THUMP DAY: Random thoughts for a Thursday evening

2006-08-17T18:38:00.002-06:00

(1) The Giants are all over the Chiefs tonight. Good to see KC still has a porous defense. Also, why the hell isn't the Kyle Turley helmet toss on YouTube? Someone get on that.

(2) Luke Hochevar got the start for the Burlington Bees last night. I have a feeling he's going to be an excellent pitcher.

Do you know why?

He's ugly.

In fact, he's fugly.

The man has a mullet. His ears make him look like a car driving down the street with its doors open. Whenever he pitches, his cheeks puff out and he squints like he's dropping a five-cornered deuce.

Ugly=Awesome.

Look at Randy Johnson. Before he had to chop off those glorious locks for the Yankees, Randy was one of the greatest pitchers of all time. But if you saw him on the street, you'd turn and run in terror. He looks like a pedophile or a bad guy in a slasher movie.

And Hochevar has that same ugliness.

Which means big things for the Royals in a year or two.

(3) I'm glad that Adam Bernero got rid of his Abe Lincoln beard. It made him look an awful lot like Hans Klopek from The 'Burbs.

Don't get me wrong. The beard was ugly. And, as previously postulated, like six inches above this, ugly=awesome. However, Adam is ugly enough to be a decent pitcher with or without that thing on his face. Case in point: his last two starts. If he starts to struggle, I'll be the first to suggest he grow it back.

(4) Dougie Fresh isn't likely to return from the DL until September. Which means we must suffer through at least two more weeks of Mike Sweeney's delayed retirement. I love Mike and am sorry to see his career petering out the way it is, but when Mientkiewicz comes back you have to bench the captain in his favor. Mikey grounded into a double play to end the game today. He's been hovering around the Mendoza line before and since his injury. I hope he makes me eat my words and hits ten dingers in the next six weeks, but right now, it looks like his bad back has effectively snuffed out an amazing career.

(5) Mark Grudzielanek signed an extension through next year with an option for 2008. Which means Esteban German's shot at starting next year is, well, shot. Remember, Esteban, the Royals have ways of making you pronounce the letter "G".

(6) God, I hate Joe Buck.

(Royales with Cheese would like to point out that the above image of Mr. Buck is meant as a lampoon and is not meant to insinuate that he does, in fact, have scabies. We're pretty sure, unfortunately, that he doesn't. But if he did, we assume, he would scream "THAT'S DISGUSTING! THAT IS DISGUSTING!"
So, it's parody. So it's protected. So there.)

And that's all for now.

Go Royals! You're the Best!

How Mark Teahen Got His Groove Back

2006-08-16T12:26:00.002-06:00

A Theory.
In Pictures.
And Some Words.
But Mostly Pictures.

MAY 6, 2006:

Mark Teahen is sent to Omaha, where he undergoes a strange experiment.

JUNE 3, 2006:

He returns to Kansas City, not as Mark Teahen, but as...

Better.

Stronger.

Faster.

That's right.

Mark Teahen is a freakin' robot.

And I think KC should do the same thing with Angel Berroa.

Go Robots! You're the Best!

Emil and Roeper

2006-08-10T10:53:00.003-06:00

I was poking around the Royals official website and I stumbled upon THE BEST THING EVER.

All summer, Emil Brown has been reviewing movies. You can read them here. I found them to be pretty hilarious, especially his reviews for Saw II, Grizzly Man, and Batman Begins.

But, there just aren't enough reviews. I need more of Emil's opinions. So, I've decided to imagine Emil's reviews for other films. This is the first part in a 39 part series.

Here goes:

Every summer for the past decade, Emil Brown has struggled to make a big league team. To cope, he watched a lot of movies. A lot. Like, more movies than a healthy, well-adjusted, socially functional person would ever watch. Then, last year, he finally got a legitimate shot with the Royals and had a good season. So good he made the team again this year, with a $1.7 million dollar paycheck. With all that moolah, Emil Brown has built a private theater in his house. When he is not on the baseball field, you can find him in his theater, watching anything from You've Got Mail to the little seen Smokey and the Bandit 3: Smokey is the Bandit. Royales with Cheese cornered Emil at a Blockbuster recently and had him scribble down the following reviews for our reading pleasure.

Presenting:

The Tommy Boy (1995)
I like this movie a lot! Chris Farley was funny, but he died because he did a speedball. A speedball is heroin and cocaine together at the same time. It'll get you real high! This movie was funny. David Spade and Farley are funny together. The Black Sheep was also good. Brandon Duckworth was in that one as a crazy guy in the woods! Chris Farley sells brake pads and is real real dumb. If you haven't rented it, then rent it! And then once you have rented it, watch it! And then laugh while you are watching the rented movie! I like it because it is FUNNY!

The Billy Elliot (2000)
This was a good one! Billy is a boy who likes to dance. But the message of the movie is just because you act like a girl doesn't mean you are a gay! But even if he was a gay, it would be a good movie. The Brokeback Mountain was good and there was really lots of gay in it. But I liked this movie. It was a little boring towards the end. There should have been a building blowed up or a car chase! A girl might like this more than a guy, if you are a guy. But I liked it. Don't tell anyone!

The Sin City (2005)
This should have been called The Freakin' Awesome City because that's what it was: Freakin' Awesome. It had good chases and guns and boobs in it! I wish it was all in color because black and white is for old movies. Like really old! Even movies from the 50's had color! But this only had a little color. The boobs should have been in color, at least! The part with the guy shooting the other guy and then the one where the guy got hit by the car and the girl who dances in the bar were the best parts but the other parts were all good too. This was a comic book and they are going to make more The Sin City's because they made more stories in the comic books. I can't wait for the next one. It will be Freakin' Awesome. Maybe the next one will be in color too!

The The Shining (1980)
This was scary and I was scared plenty when I watched it. Jack Nicholson is a good actor and he acts real good in this movie. He yells a lot and drinks with a ghost and there is a naked ghost woman who is pretty good looking but she turns green when he kisses her like she was a giant frog or something! That part was SCARY! And there is blood in the hallway and dead twins that made me cover my eyes but I don't want to give it all away. Just gotta say, "Here's Johnny!" Go watch this really scary movie. Oh yeah, Scatman Crothers was in it and he was good too. I like him as The Hong Kong Phooey the best though because it is funny dog who does kung fu and not so scary as haunted house!

The March of The Penguins (2005)
This movie was boring. The penguins walk in a line and that is about it. They are cute but man they are not cute enough for two hours! Mike Sweeney told me this was really good but he always likes movies like The Bibleman and The Left Behind so he isn't the best guy to rent a movie with. I made him watch The House of The 1000 Corpses with me and he left after like less than two minutes! It was hilarious because there was blood and knives and guts and Mike only likes blood when it is in movies about the Bible times or The Rambo. So watch The House of The 1000 Corpses but don't watch the penguin movie!

The The Hours (2002)
This movie was good drama. It was confusing because it was in different times a lot. Some parts were back in time in the 50's and one time was real old with Nicole Kidman and a ugly nose. She would be a brown bagger for sure! The movie was sad. The woman in the 1950's made me cry. She was so sad. And I was sad too because it was sad! But I fell asleep before the end so I don't know if they all die or something cool happens like maybe they all get in a time machine and go hang out in the future together like in a space restaurant where the Jetsons go to. I'm gonna watch more of it sometime so don't tell me the end!

The Critters 2: The Main Course (1988)
Oh man, they named this one The Critters 2 because the 2 stands for twice as good as The Critters which was also real good. But I like this one a lot because it is an Easter movie. There aren't many Easter movies but this is the best one! There is an Easter Bunny who gets ate by The Critters. I used to have nightmares about The Critters because they can shoot quills and roll real fast but now I like them and I keep trying to find one because I want to buy it for a pet. That would be cool! My friend Angel Berroa would come over and be like oh my god there is one of The Critters rolling around in here, holy crap man, that's crazy! And I'd be like, no man. That's just my pet Critter. His name is Mississippi Fred. He is a good Critter. Cool it, man. Oh that would be awesome! If you know where to find one of The Critters, let me know. Or if you have one to sell, I will buy it. I have a lot of money! I like all of The Critter Movies, but this is the best!

The Casablanca (1946)
Buddy Bell told me that if I was gonna call myself a movie buff I should see this movie. He is the coach so I watched the movie. It sucked ass! I took it out and watched The Happy Gilmore for like the 700th time so I would forget about The Casablanca. The Happy Gilmore was real funny and I laughed so hard I farted!

Thanks for reading my reviews. I'm Emil Brown and I watch the movies and tell you whether I like them or not!

And oh yeah, Go Royals! You're the Best!

Scott (Annoyed Grunt)mann

2006-08-04T22:18:00.002-06:00

I know Ambiorix Burgos is the one who really screwed us out of the win tonight.

I don't care.

New acquisition Scott Dohmann sucked in the tenth and took the loss.

And this was just too easy:

Scott Dohmann will forevermore be referred to in this blog as Scott D'ohmann.

Sorry, my man.

I could've gone with the Poppin' Fresh Doughboy reference.

"Nothing says loving like something from the 'OH HELL, I'M A CRAPPY PITCHER.'"

But I really don't know which of the photoshops would've been more humiliating.

Just be thankful your name isn't Steel Mientkiewicz.

Go Royals! You're the Best!